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Post by autumn on Apr 14, 2009 22:46:46 GMT -5
Please, take some down time. I know it seems like re-arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic some days, hang in there! We are pulling for you..
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Post by annieblue on Apr 15, 2009 0:04:18 GMT -5
((((((((((Dear Shell)))))))))) I am liking the idea of counseling. If not for the whole family, then for husband & yourself. And if not that, then just for you. It is very true that if only ONE person gets help & makes changes, EVERYTHING & EVERYONE ELSE is affected by it too. I saw this happen in my own life with my own family, & I hope it is something you find worth considering. Please know you are loved here, & you are NOT in this alone, even when it most feels like it. None of us are alone as long as we have our SOS home. Hang onto it, especially when it is hardest to do so. Hugs & more hugs, sending you all the positive vibes I can . . . ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear Lilith, Also just want to say thank you for an incredible post. Lots of matter-of-fact talk there, & I really needed to read every bit of it. And probably will many more times to come.
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Blackswan
Banned
Joined: October 2008
Posts: 6,388
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Post by Blackswan on Apr 15, 2009 1:02:58 GMT -5
Lilith, I agree with you completely about our issues being a difference in our brain when compared to other people. The link you posted was about hoarding, but I only have squalor issues, and I have still found the link with the brain to be true. Squalor/hoarding/all of that is not about us being bad, lacking discipline, etc. We are people who happen to have less visual processing skills, and have problems focusing on things. You combine the two, and you get us. There are other things going on too, but those are two of the biggest things I have found. The more i am learning about my squalor issues, the more i have learned about myself.
Now, Shelly, give up on the cleaning for awhile, but please keep coming here everyday. Just because you feel like you can't go on with the cleaning does not mean you should let go of your lifeline.
Please, just come and read often, and enjoy our fellowship, and eventually, you will be able to try again. You know that you cannot let the squalor win, or you will be very unhappy. Just take a little break for awhile, reflect, but don't give up completely.
You have made so many helpful posts to others too. If you stay, you can reach so many people, whether you are cleaning at home or not. That is part of your gift, reaching people, and we need you as much as you need us.
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Post by marigold on Apr 15, 2009 2:18:32 GMT -5
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Post by mish on Apr 16, 2009 0:13:30 GMT -5
I agree with... everyone! I hope you stay (I've been enjoying your posts from lurkdom). If I were you, I'd: 1. start using disposable plates, cups and cutlery - no time to be "ecological" 2. only feed the family things that don't require much cooking (as someone said earlier, pbj sandwiches) 3. let them wear dirty clothes - if they don't put dirty clothes in the right place, you can't wash them 4. let all the inevitable complaints run off you like water off a duck's back. make a cup of tea. come online here and tell us how it's going. 5. and have a bubble bath (not while you're online; might be dangerous) 6. draw a line in the sand: this I will do, that I will not do And eventually when someone says "this place is so messy" you can say "great - you take out the trash" and let them see that their actions have consequences. If it doesn't work, they're still fed, you're having fun online with us, or in the bath - who cares! But I have to say (like slothzilla? I'm not sure who said it) that I had no idea what my mother did when I was at school - I just came home and everything was tidy (um, yeah, I didn't get those genes!). If you're also working outside the home, it's extra tough. Big hugs to you.
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Post by notsomessyshell on Apr 16, 2009 13:46:24 GMT -5
You all made me cry. Such wonderful, understanding, supportive friends! I have done a few things. Not completely stagnate. Dishes, laundry and cooking. Taking care of animals. Just basic stuff. I am more upset over all the stuff everywhere. No place to be that is not overrun with it. I had an "AHA" moment while doing morning pages. I am being very passive aggressive with Hubby. I really hate confrontation. I keep stuff piled here and there because if I remove all my things he will simply take up the space with more of his stuff. Or bring in even more stuff! It was a real eye opener for me. I have no place that is mine in this house. He has stuff in every room except Oldest's room. He removed all of it from his room! Strong kid that one. It is definitely time for a talk. Then a family meeting. I am also thinking of calling in some favors for some help. I have a few people who know of our situation and have offered to assist in a massive clean up. Of course Hubby has to be on board for some of it. I don't want to send him into some sort of panic mode. But he has to realize the impact it is having on the entire family. So I am not completely gone. I just feel I am being hypocritical to be here without trying to do anything about my situation.
Thanks again for all the support and wonderful words. You all are truly a lifeline.
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Post by creativechaos on Apr 16, 2009 17:30:57 GMT -5
aha shell; this is a revelation. you need a spot all your own in the house. an inviolate space. sacred. a corner someplace. is there a possibility to have a space that is HANDS OFF to your hubby and the rest of the family? think on that. you deserve that. i wish so much that it could be a whole room of your own. a walk in closet. a shed. just anyplace for yourself. and yes, by all means, it is time to sit hubby down first (and later, the rest of the family) and give them the lowdown and the bottom line. please know that without hubby doing some willing cognitive stuff for his hoarding etc, a big cleanup will be a quick-fix but not the ultimate fix, and it's very important to have hubby be a big part of the decision making if you can. it's important to all be on board with this together. very tricky waters to navigate, shell. dear shell, i must disagree with your thoughts about being hypocritical. you are doing something about your situation, and have been. you do keep trying. it's just that you are like sisyphus pushing the boulder uphill. there are so many good resources out there that hubby can read, etc. i still suggest reading buried in treasures together. great book for the whole family, and a great starting place for change because the internal changes are just as important as the external ones. love and hugs, cc
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Post by gettingsomewhere on Apr 16, 2009 19:54:15 GMT -5
hang in there shell.
it's probably of no help to you but i wanted to let you know that you have given me my own aha moment by making me realise i am guilty of exactly what your husband has done. no one has their own space here anymore as i slowly seem to take over it all. even hubby's garage is often my first dumping spot. I just know this really bothers him, but i haven't thought much about the importance of havings one's own "dumping free" zone. thanks for helping me with this.
hang in there. there is no hypocrisy. this site is here to help in many different ways, and along many different time frames. i have found that even just reading can be of great value in changing my thought processes. no easy feat believe me. i wish you and your family, mine too, the strength to overcome this. big hugs.
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Post by AnnieOkie on Apr 16, 2009 20:28:11 GMT -5
Glad you checked in Shell. I know I sometimes feel hypocritical too giving advice like I am an expert or something. But it's all a process and we can share from where we have been and learn from others about where we want to go. Believe it or not, I'll be willing to bet that someone reading about your struggles is being encouraged to keep fighting.
I agree and hope you can sit down with hubby soon and give him the bottom lines. Glad you have some friends close by that you can call in too. Hang in there!
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Post by notsomessyshell on Apr 17, 2009 11:13:17 GMT -5
Started in Youngest's room last night. I was talking to my sister on the phone and after a crying rant to her I just started one box at a time. Youngest came in and went through stuff with me. He was great! We tossed out 1 large garbage bag of misc. broken or missing parts toys. We went through 3 medium plastic bins. Some toys to take to my mother's house for the great grandbabies to play with when they visit. We took back about 3 square feet of floor! I washed his bedding, turned his mattress and freshened it. Oldest came in and promised his time today to help. Small steps, but steps forward. Hubby came in and said "just put my stuff to the side and I will go through it". I said I had planned on it! . He is not happy about it, but it will get out of there! He has Saturday off and we will have a nice discussion about the stuff in the house.
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Post by AnnieOkie on Apr 17, 2009 11:35:42 GMT -5
Glad you're back in the game, Shell!!
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Post by gettingsomewhere on Apr 17, 2009 11:59:28 GMT -5
well done. good progress is being made and hugs to your boys shell. i often think if it is overwhelming to us how must it all look through the eyes of a chikd? i am hoping to reclaim some of my kids rooms next week. hugs shell, x
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Post by AnnieOkie on Apr 17, 2009 12:45:56 GMT -5
i often think if it is overwhelming to us how must it all look through the eyes of a chikd? Thanks for reminding me of that. Younger son's room has cluttered up a bit after the big purge and I keep telling him he needs to get it back in order. But I know he has no idea where to start. I need to get in there with him and show him how to sort and toss! Thanks again GS!
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Post by notsomessyshell on Apr 17, 2009 12:49:25 GMT -5
You are so right. I think that is why he was right in there with me even though Spongebob was on! He is excited to get stuff out of there. It is a great motivator for me.
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Post by AnnieOkie on Apr 17, 2009 13:13:11 GMT -5
I think the best motivator I have ever had was seeing my younger son's face when he saw how I had cleaned up his room and seeing him bing able to close the door and put on his bathrobe before his shower that first time after it was cleaned. It still about brings tears to my eyes. If anyone needs a reminder about what I am talking about, here is a link to the photo thread of my son's room: takeonestepatatime.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=pics&action=display&thread=1232
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