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Post by fluffernut - now Jannie on Nov 5, 2008 15:35:38 GMT -5
My neighbor and her husband got divorced. he left the house but put all his belongings in the garage. He used to drive by occasionally to take things out or add to his hoard, visit his stuff,etc. Then he stopped coming. I heard he died. She was then able to get rid of all his junk.
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Post by tiredofthis on Nov 5, 2008 21:47:27 GMT -5
Thanks for your replies. The divorce final, as of today
Blackswan: I have the signed agreement; he has until Tuesday, 11/11 to get the rest of his belongings out of my house. The has until May 1 to get his stuff out of the garage and off of the exterior property. He is not going to make the deadline, and I am going to change the locks to the house on the 12th or the 13th. He knows he will never make the deadline, so that is why I think he is going to be very agitated for the rest of the time he has.
Lillith: I've suggested to my daughter that she speak to her therapist tomorrow about how to handle the next week. She can stay with my son/her brother at his apartment if need be. Yes, you're right, her dad could bring those items back, but it just gets very old putting up with his tantrums. You can't unring a bell. He set out to hurt her, and he did. That's not something she's going to forget easily. He is supposed to be the adult in their relationship.
Fluffernut: My ex would like nothing more than to do exactly what your neighbor's husband did, but I won't allow it. I want to be able to use that garage space and I don't want him roaming around my property.
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Post by lilith on Nov 6, 2008 10:20:38 GMT -5
It sounds like you're doing a great job at keeping boundaries. It must be very difficult keeping all of this up over time. You daughter is very lucky to have you looking out for her. I hope she is spared any more pain.
I see you're in New England. Are the leaves still changing there? Maybe you can spend some time looking at them this week, or treat yourself to a massage or just some time soaking in a bath. Anything to pamper yourself. It is finally almost over. Best of luck to all of you. Keep hanging on. You're going to make it.
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Post by tiredofthis on Nov 6, 2008 20:56:04 GMT -5
It sounds like you're doing a great job at keeping boundaries. It must be very difficult keeping all of this up over time. You daughter is very lucky to have you looking out for her. I hope she is spared any more pain.
I see you're in New England. Are the leaves still changing there? Maybe you can spend some time looking at them this week, or treat yourself to a massage or just some time soaking in a bath. Anything to pamper yourself. It is finally almost over. Best of luck to all of you. Keep hanging on. You're going to make it.
Thank you Lilith, for your kind words. I can be sort of matter-of-fact when I post and I was actually thinking yesterday after I posted my response that I hoped you didn't think I was dismissing your opinion in your initial response to my post.
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Post by lilith on Nov 7, 2008 10:12:00 GMT -5
No harm whatsoever. We all just want to help each other. Sometimes we can and sometimes there just are no good answers. It is just the worst when your kid is hurting and there is really not much you can do but love them. Here's hoping you all have a low drama weekend;)
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Post by Magpie on Nov 8, 2008 8:40:43 GMT -5
If there are any special things you or your daughter definitely want to keep, you may want to relocate them to someplace safe so he can't abscond with them.
It sounds like he is a "true" OCD hoarder (neurological alterations in the patterns brain function as opposed to demention, depression, chronic illness, etc) and his brain is going ballistic from the stress of having to relocate everything. If he's not in any treatment, he may become more erratic as the deadline approaches for the imminent loss of his hoard - be careful and be prepared.
Maggie
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Post by tiredofthis on Nov 8, 2008 9:52:20 GMT -5
I think you're right about this, Maggie. He probably got the final divorce decree in the mail yesterday; between that and the deadline, I'm afraid he is going to be out of control over the loss of his control in his situation. I'm not worried about my possessions; I just hope he doesn't become violent towards me or our daughter.
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Post by syzygy on Nov 8, 2008 10:52:43 GMT -5
You've probably already thought of this, but I suggest that you get new locks installed the morning of the deadline. Make an appointment with a locksmith to see if you can do it before you go to work. I'd even suggest going to work late or taking the day off if necessary.
Then you'll know that he won't be wandering around inside with your daughter there. If he's going to freak out, at least he'll be limited to doing so outside.
I'd even suggest moving the rest of his stuff (if possible) out to the garage. It'll be a pain, but if it's all out he won't have a reason to go back into the house.
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Post by tiredofthis on Nov 8, 2008 11:11:47 GMT -5
I was going to change the locks after the deadline, so he wouldn't say I was interfering with his ability to remove the last of his items. I can't put anything in the garage because
1. The garage is full
2. I don't have a key; only he does
I'm going to make sure my daughter is out of the house that day.
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Post by syzygy on Nov 8, 2008 11:35:00 GMT -5
Yeah, I meant 30 seconds after the end of the deadline. Too bad about the garage key, but it's good your daughter won't be there.
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Post by tiredofthis on Nov 10, 2008 23:32:10 GMT -5
Hi everyone. Tomorrow is the deadline for my ex to get his belongings out of the house, and I'm very nervous. My daughter went to stay at a friend's house tonight, because she doesn't want to be here tomorrow. Today, he came here and took something of his out of my room, while I was at work. He was supposed to call first and make sure I had moved things. He didn't. I asked who he brought with him; he said he did it himself. The item was a very heavy cedar chest. He says adrenalin and anger made him able to lift it on his own, but my daughter thinks he's lying, that someone was with him. He took more things he said he would leave behind. He hung up a replacement mirror for the one he took from my daughter, but it is much smaller. So, evidently, he thought the other one was too valuable to give her. I'm afraid that by tomorrow he will be completely freaked out.
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Post by lilith on Nov 11, 2008 3:51:07 GMT -5
Wow, you are so close to the end. I'm so glad your daughter is out of the equation. Do you have a plan for tomorrow? Do you have to go work if you are worried he will destroy stuff? You know him best, obviously, but I'm guessing his putting up that replacement mirror is a good sign he is worrying about how he will be perceived in this.
If you can't or don't want to be home, do you have a neighbor you could put on alert? It's almost over. Hang in there.
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Post by lettinggo on Nov 11, 2008 4:07:12 GMT -5
Hi everyone. Tomorrow is the deadline for my ex to get his belongings out of the house, and I'm very nervous. I'm afraid that by tomorrow he will be completely freaked out. Please tell me you are going to change the locks the day after tomorrow?!
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Post by lilith on Nov 11, 2008 4:21:24 GMT -5
If I remember correctly, you are already paying off huge storage bills he accrued. I am a hoarder and recently went through a huge loss of my hoard. It has knocked me on my hiney.
Here is the worst thing-I know my husband believes my hoard is more important to me than him. My son knows only unconditional love and support from me so he doesn't think that but it does cause serious stress with us.
Truth be told, I feel tremendous compassion for your husband because I understand him. However, because it isn't MY hoard and I am able to look at this situation objectively, I can see that you paying off tens of thousands of dollars for the hoard and your daughter being so disturbed by the hoard that she has to leave her home, I will tell you something I think will get rid of the hoard forever.
He is going to be very distraught losing access to his home tomorrow and will want to protect the hoard in the garage, I think you have a window of opportunity here to get him off your property forever. You might want to get an alarm system as well as changing the locks if he goes in while you are at work. You could offer to go to a storage facility with him, he puts it in his name only and you pay the first month. You can't take his word for it. We lie when pushed into a corner.
You would have to make the arrangement contingent upon him putting everything in a uhaul before you would go to the storage. He is going to want to protect the hoard at all costs and the stuff in the garage will feel in jeopardy to him.
If he is like me, the things in that garage ARE HIM. Not important to him, not memories, not valuable to him, not an expression of his anxiety, HIM.
It might cost you a couple hundred dollars but it would end it now instead of next May.
Good luck.
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Post by tiredofthis on Nov 11, 2008 8:49:33 GMT -5
Thank you everyone that responded. I will give more details later. I overslept, and now have to rush off to a doctor's appointment, and then work.
To answer someone's question about whether I can go to someone's house tonight: I tried to think of someone, but because I don't let people in my house, I feel very akward asking anyone if I can go to theirs.
Thanks, again, for the support, and I will post more later.
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