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Post by tiredofthis on Nov 12, 2008 8:06:59 GMT -5
Ok, yesterday was the deadline. He called me yesterday morning to ask if I was going to be home, and then said it didn't matter, because he wasn't going to be able to get everything out anyway. He was sort of choking back tears, but that's pretty common for him. He gets very emotional about everything, not just his hoard. I drove by the house in the afternoon on my lunch break and saw that his truck was in the driveway (arghhh!!!). I stayed at work until 9, because I was sort of afraid to come home. I didn't actually notice anything missing, but there are things out of place. Everything was pretty neat, so I definitely think he had someone with him, which is my pet peeve, because I don't like to have people in the house. So, hopefully, it's done. He won't try to come back today. The earliest appointment I could get to change the locks is tomorrow at 4:30 p.m. It's almost over.
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Post by tiredofthis on Nov 13, 2008 8:54:38 GMT -5
I have a locksmith coming to my house at 4:30 to change the locks. This is a temporary fix; I need to assess the door situation, possibly new doors or new locks, put this will due for now, just to keep him out.
He called last night and asked what we were going to do, because he wasn't done. I said it is done, time is up. I hung up, and he called back 19 times in 20 minutes (I didn't pick up). He called my daughter, sobbing, that it wasn't right, and he didn't have help, etc, and then hung up on her. Called me back and left a voicemail I couldn't understand because of the sobbing.
I called his brother; spoke to the SIL. I explained that I was worried about his emotional and mental stability and welfare, and thought maybe a family member could keep an eye on him and try to talk to him; maybe get him counseling. Explained a little about hoarding and OCD.
She said they were aware that he's a hoarder. She said the family is ready to do an intervention on him, because he lives with his dad and has filled up that house to the point that you can't sit down and there are just paths to his dad's chair, and the kitchen area is clear. No one visits the dad, because there's no where to sit, etc; usually, that's where the family gathers for holidays, but they can't do it any more. Plus, if the dad passes (he's in his late 80s), the house will be sold, and my ex will have to find another place to live. I can see why he's freaking out. He does have a GF; maybe he can move in with her. All I know is it's not my problem anymore (except for my garage!)
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Post by messymimi on Nov 13, 2008 10:26:16 GMT -5
It's good that this is almost over for you. While you are changing the locks, can you also block his number from getting through on your phone?
messymimi
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Post by tiredofthis on Nov 13, 2008 11:51:04 GMT -5
It's good that this is almost over for you. While you are changing the locks, can you also block his number from getting through on your phone?
messymimi Thanks messymim, I don't think I can block numbers on my phone. I get it through work, so I can add any special features. I'll just ignore him; he has to give up eventually.
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Post by saffron on Nov 13, 2008 21:10:48 GMT -5
I've been reading and following on your experience. I know it's been hard on you and your daughter. My heart goes out to you. I hope things will settle down and you can have a new start. I can see that your DX has a lot of anguish over his hoarded items. I hope he'll be able to get the help he needs. Warm thoughts and prayers for you. Saffron
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Post by tiredofthis on Nov 13, 2008 21:49:02 GMT -5
Thank you Saffron, for your kind words.
I hope I don't sound heartless, especially to those here who are also hoarders; I just need a fresh start and a life of my own. And my daughter needs peace.
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Post by phoebepj on Nov 14, 2008 2:24:31 GMT -5
wow just read this whole thread. how did he take the change of the locks. are you ok? i agree with those who have suggested removing the entire garage hoard to a storage facility. I hope your daughter is ok. I cant imagine the chaos your family must be experiencing right now.
ETA - can you move the rest of his house hoard into the garage so that it is out of your house?
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Post by tiredofthis on Nov 14, 2008 8:16:49 GMT -5
Hi phoebepj,
Thanks for the support.
I don't know if he knows yet that the locks are changed. When I spoke to him on Wednesday, he acknowledged that I don't want him in the house. He called me once, yesterday, but I didn't pick up.
I couldn't move his "house hoard" to the garage, even if I wanted to, because I don't have a key. I haven't been in the garage since 1995, because he doesn't allow anyone to go in there without him, even though he moved out in 2001. There wasn't any reason for me to go in there because it's full of his stuff, and me and the kids could never use it for parking cars, storing bikes, etc.
The property settlement agreement, which he read and signed, states that he had until the 11th to get the stuff out of the house; if he didn't, it's mine to do with what I like. It doesn't say that once his time is up, I have to collect it all up and give it to him. It's not that I want the stuff, I just don't want to have to communicate with him anymore, or make arrangements about the stuff. I don't want him picking through my trash at the curb to get his stuff. Most of it, truly, is just junk.
He has until May 1 to get the garage emptied; after that, it's the same deal. It's mine to do with what I want.
In therapy yesterday, my daughter told me and the therapist about something that had happened a couple of months ago. My daughter and I were decluttering and desqualoring to prepare for the plumbers. He noticed that an old skateboard of my son's that had been in the hallway was gone. He wanted to know what happened to it; my daughter said we put it out for trash. He said things like that are very collectible, and before anything else got thrown out, he wanted her to promise to call him so he could take it. She refused. He couldn't understand why. So, even though he has a bunch of stuff in my house he doesn't have room for, an entire garage full of stuff that he doesn't have room for, and his dad's apt, which is full and causing concern for the rest of his family, he was pissed that we threw away something from our house that didn't belong to him before he could come and get it.
I just can't deal with it anymore. At some point, I'm going to begin sorting through his things, and most likely, I will throw a lot away. Maybe I can sell some of it, which will help me to pay off the lien on my house from his debt. To tell you the truth, after all these years of dealing with this addiction of his, I absolutely hate flea markets, yard sales, auctions, consignment stores, and e-bay. Jut the thought of them gives me the hee bee jee bees. I can barely get myself to walk into a place like Job Lot, Building 19, or even dollar stores, because I just feel so overwhelmed by it.
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Post by phoebepj on Nov 14, 2008 10:11:15 GMT -5
you can always craigslist things that may be useful if only to get it the heck out of your house. I hope you're able to get the stuff out quickly and efficiently so you can have peace in your home.
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Post by Arid on Nov 14, 2008 14:46:58 GMT -5
Here's an idea that occurred to me:
First of all, I'm making an assumption that like many of us who live in metropolitan areas, you have curbside trash pick-up once a week.
So, the day AFTER trash pick-up, you gather up ONE bag or box of your ex's items. Set it outside the "sacred" garage. Get in touch with ex--e-mail, voice mail, whatever, and tell him that you have placed a bag or box of his things outside the garage for him to pick up. Also tell him that IF the items STILL are there by the next trash pick-up day (you have to let him know which day of the week that is, of course), you will be placing them out at the curb with your other trash.
Then, if he doesn't come to get the items, you really CAN throw them out with the trash with a clear conscience. Also, you CAN sort through that set of items to see if there is anything in there that is worth your trying to sell.
This may sound like a lot of work for/to you, but you were talking about sorting through his things, anyway.
If you want to speed up the process, set out more than one bag or box at a time. Either way, you will be getting his things out of your house, and you will have given him a more than fair chance to get them.
Arid
P.S. If you try this method, you should keep records of WHEN you called, what the trash pick-up date was, etc., so that he can't say that you didn't give him a fair chance. A.
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Post by CaringFriend on Nov 14, 2008 17:02:06 GMT -5
tiredofthis wrote... "The property settlement agreement, which he read and signed, states that he had until the 11th to get the stuff out of the house; if he didn't, it's mine to do with what I like. It doesn't say that once his time is up, I have to collect it all up and give it to him. It's not that I want the stuff, I just don't want to have to communicate with him anymore, or make arrangements about the stuff. I don't want him picking through my trash at the curb to get his stuff. Most of it, truly, is just junk." "....after all these years of dealing with this addiction of his, I absolutely hate flea markets, yard sales, auctions, consignment stores, and e-bay...." Good for you. Your home is now your domain and you don't have to give him another thought or one more ounce of your time. No considerations as to where the best place is to deliver his hoard. To you, it is trash and we all know where that goes. One thought I would consider in your situation. We all know from crime stories on TV that once trash is put to the curb, it is public domain. It might be to your benefit to have legal papers served to prevent him from coming within x feet of your house. (I don't know what that legal term would be.) That would prevent him from taking your trash. Even if the calls persist, that is called harassment. You did say that you had 19 calls in 20 minutes. From here on in document the dates and times of calls, even if you have no plans at this time to do anything. You never know how that info may serve you in the future. How free you must feel. Good luck to you and your children in starting your new lives!
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Post by ljcox524 on Nov 14, 2008 17:45:58 GMT -5
IMO, you have no responsibility to see that he gets anything that is left in the house. It is, as you said, yours to deal with as you see fit. He had ample time and occasion to get his stuff; it belongs to you now.
May I say that I admire you extremely for how you're handling all this? I don't think that I'd get through this ordeal half so well nor so gracefully. It's hard, tremendously hard. Kudos to you for grace under fire.
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Post by tiredofthis on Nov 15, 2008 14:49:38 GMT -5
Oh my! Thank you so much for saying this! You have done wonders for my self esteem!
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messymomma
New Member
Joined: November 2008
Posts: 79
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Post by messymomma on Dec 11, 2008 10:28:18 GMT -5
I was just wondering if all this got settled?
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Post by gottaproblem on Dec 11, 2008 10:57:57 GMT -5
I have a similar problem. It is hard to go ahead and trash what is left even if you have given a deadline and now the stuff is yours to get rid of. My "friend" came last in June, i think and got something from my hall and said "that's all for now" WHAT, I am slowly getting rid of his stuff. Mind you I have found bags of rocks, bus routes and other real trash. But going through pockets of clothes and old bags I have found almost $100 in change. So be gentle with tiredofthis. She has really done marvelously for her and her daughter. You are in my prayers
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