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Post by eagle on Mar 29, 2010 9:20:55 GMT -5
It has been brought to the admin's attention that some completely unacceptable behavior has occured in chat, which has made some members very uncomfortable. This is not the first time something like this has happened we are told. We have asked in the past that all members treat each other with kindness and respect. But apparently that is not always what happens.
Please consider logging out rather than going off on fellow chat members with foul language or other methods of cruelty when you don't agree with what another member has to say.
We have asked that members adhere to a "Please stop" method to end offensive behavior and were assured that this would end all offensive behavior by all chatters. Apparently this does not always work and some members are very upset by this.
We are discussing possible consequences that we may need to institute for this kind of behavior.
I am inviting the general membership, but more particularly, the members who actually do participate in chat to provide feedback. Please do not get into particulars about who and what so much as what you feel is acceptable and what is a deal-breaker to be allowed to participate in chat.
What rules, if any, would you like to see to guide the user to participate in chat?
What consequences do you feel should the admins apply to a member or members who violate the chat privelege?
I am seeking feedback because I prefer not to react with a knee-jerk reaction, although I have one I would use if I get no feedback.
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MiSC
Banned
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 1,611 
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Post by MiSC on Mar 29, 2010 9:27:17 GMT -5
This is about me.
It's the first time I've ever unleashed in chat, so I don't know about any other time it may have happened. I apologized to the people who were in there last night, and assured Celeste that the language used last night would not be used again. I also accepted the apology and thanked the person I was so angry with when she did apologize for offending me. I truly believe that she and I were both sincere.
I'm not sure what else I can do.
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Post by eagle on Mar 29, 2010 9:35:09 GMT -5
MiSC, would you care to address the questions I put forth?
What rules, if any, would you like to see to guide the user to participate in chat?
What consequences do you feel should the admins apply to a member or members who violate the chat privelege?
I am inviting feedback from others, as well. I'd really like to hear from members who have participated in chat, including those who have pulled away for whatever reason (which may or may not include being made uncomfortable by other members.)
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MiSC
Banned
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 1,611
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Post by MiSC on Mar 29, 2010 9:49:10 GMT -5
MiSC, would you care to address the questions I put forth? What rules, if any, would you like to see to guide the user to participate in chat? What consequences do you feel should the admins apply to a member or members who violate the chat privelege? I am inviting feedback from others, as well. I'd really like to hear from members who have participated in chat, including those who have pulled away for whatever reason (which may or may not include being made uncomfortable by other members.) I think the rules, as they stand now, are exactly as they should be. I don't think they can be improved. But while this certainly applies specifically to me and my own wishes, I do think it would be fair to allow a second (not a third) chance to try to make things right and carry on. A probation period that lasts indefinitely. Thanks for asking for my opinion. |
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Post by success19 on Mar 29, 2010 10:21:36 GMT -5
Hm well I don't use chat - since I have slow speed dial up - but read Thumpers rule below - I had issues with regular threads in some cases.
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Post by disorganizeddragon on Mar 29, 2010 10:21:55 GMT -5
Let me start out by saying that I've only been into the SOS Chat room three times. Each time I've been in Chat, people have been welcoming and friendly and I've seen no examples of any unkind or uncivil behavior. However, I have participated in chat on another board for depression where people have been, shall we say, less restrained with their comments. (In other words, children cried, fragile ladies fainted, and old merchant marines blushed.) In that room, the members decided on a simple warning system. Knowing that anyone can have a bad day or a moment of bad judgement, a one-time outburst would simply get you a warning (depending on how bad it was, of course). A second slip, however, would get you banned from chat. A third incident--the chat room was not moderated, so sometimes banned chatters would sneak back in--got you permanently removed from the board. Those rules are pretty draconian, but they worked. People who couldn't play nice had to leave the playground. I know everyone is here because they are searching for the help and support they can't find anywhere else, but if someone is repeatedly rude or unkind, other members should not be made to suffer. Again, anyone can have a bad day or be set off too easily about a certain subject, so a one-time blow-up should be forgiven and hopefully forgotten. Everyone here is supposed to be an adult and let's face it--we're not all going to always agree with each other. That's okay, because this is a place where we need to be able to open up about everything that's weighing us down (everything besides the clutter and squalor, of course), even if another member doesn't quite see things the same way. And disagreements, when they occur, can and should be handled civilly, whether they happen in chat or on the board. If you feel yourself reaching the point where you can no longer be polite-- log off. Get up from the computer and walk away. Clean something. Put something up. Take out some trash. Scrub the bathroom sink. Come over to my house and scrub my bathroom sink. (I can hope, right?  ) Just take some time to cool off and come back when your blood pressure has dropped a few points and you can express your thoughts calmly, even if you're still muttering, "You *%$@!" under your breath. In the real world, if I don't get along with someone, I do my best to simply ignore them. When I must speak to them, I am polite, but I find it much easier to simply limit my interactions with them as much as possible. This strategy makes me look like an actual grown-up (if they only knew  ) and keeps me out of jail, so it works for me. So again, if you don't agree with or like someone on the board, just walk away. And who knows? The person you don't see eye-to-eye with on one issue may be your biggest supporter on another. Squalor makes strange bedfellows, right? (If you don't believe me, you should check out the bottom cabinets of my aunt's kitchen--it's incredible how many different creatures can live together in horrifying harmony.  ) |
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Post by kiddledo on Mar 29, 2010 11:35:27 GMT -5
May I second disorganized dragon whole heartedly!!
I too have been received warmly on chat, however, sometime I know I drop in right in the middle of a discussion and it feels a little like eavesdropping. What is the etiquette of that?
I often wonder if I have offended and I hope that you all would show understanding to me if I do.
I am not offended by what I read here...if I don't agree, I recognize it is not personal and move on.
The strength of this site is the diversity of ideas and beliefs. AND the safety of speaking what we feel.
Let's think the best of each other, hold positive regard and continue to help each other up if we fall. I'm hoping if I can help or forgive you, you will help and forgive me.
As the distinguished philosopher from Possum Lodge says" Remember, we're all in this together. I'm pullin for ya"
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Post by DJ on Mar 29, 2010 11:55:58 GMT -5
why does something need to happen because of last night and why is the perception that it's not working...? if there are 2 or three scerfluffles a year in a chat room with dozens and dozens of people through from varied backgrounds and most of who have emotional problems... a few blow ups a year..? that's a pretty high success rate of getting along to me..
there is a strong tendency towards intervention on this board that i don't get... people argue, it's unrealistic to think there will never be differences or that when there are differences people are always going to calmly work them out in the most rational, calmest manner possible and end it all with a kiss of peace....
maybe there does need to be a firmer policy re: -repeat- outbursts but rarely here does anything get to that level because as soon as -anything- happens there's a general outcry of It Isn't Working! Intervene! if there are weeks, months even.. in which a chatroom is a welcoming, friendly environment how does one event of people acting.. well, like people, mean it isn't working. and why does everything need to get turned on its head?
I'm in chat alot and I haven't seen the ongoing pattern of behavior eagle mentioned so maybe I'm just blind to people attacking each other frequently in there. As it stands now I just don't see the need for full scale intervention level panic every time something happens... usually that's what ends up dividing the community and causing longer term discord than whatever event set it off...
i think the ground work for the rules is already there. a member has an outburst and they are typically called on it by the community. and life goes on. because stuff happens. if a member continues to make others miserable, suffer, and make the environment not safe for healing they are removed. if you want to verbalise it more clearly i don't see any reason why not to.. i use to have a 3 strikes your out policy for forums and chats i modded. at the end of the year of the ban it was looked at and usually lifted. if i had to reban them again they stayed banned unless they came to me later and admitted some responsibility for their behavior and had a plan for changing it.
respectfully and with much love to all.
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Post by howardsgirlfriend on Mar 29, 2010 12:18:13 GMT -5
I do think that when incidents occur, it's a good time to evaluate whether changes need to be made. Doesn't mean that we need to make changes, just that it's a good time to evaluate the process.
Since I can't chat, I don't know what was said, but some of LNJ's comments in her apology concerned me. Was she saying that she wouldn't chat, was leaving SOOS, or was planning to hurt herself? I couldn't tell from her apology, and wouldn't forgive me if she hurt herself, so I reported her apology. Probably an overreaction, but when there's potential for self-harm, better to react and not need to, than vice versa.
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Post by moggyfan on Mar 29, 2010 12:46:14 GMT -5
I don't really do chat much, but I'm with dj. We all need to grow thicker skins. As lovely an oasis as SOS is, this is the Internet. Honesty does not equal attack or even unkindness. Life is not always kittens and rainbows.
When do sweetness and light become enabling?
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Post by breakingfree on Mar 29, 2010 13:15:51 GMT -5
I have never been to chat so I have no idea what happened there. BUT, I have seen that on occasion people have gotten angry or sensitive because of advice that they did not want to hear. Won't go into any details, but in once instance a person wanted validation instead of honest advice. If an alcoholic were to keep on drinking, going on binges, but when sober the next day swear they wouldn't do it again, after a while, don't you think that family and friends would say, "Yeah, right," kind of like the townspeople with the boy who cried wolf? I am probably offending someone as I type, but sometimes people just need to hear the truth. Sugar-coating things doesn't help a person. No, we shouldn't be mean. But the mere act of someone disagreeing with advice can cause quite a controversy. So, mostly I read and try to encourage others and if someone is engaging in behavior that I don't think will help their squalor situation, I keep my mouth shut (so-to-speak) and move on.
BF
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Post by notsomessyshell on Mar 29, 2010 14:14:06 GMT -5
I think the rules are good as they stand. We all need to remember we are human and as such we make mistakes. We get angry, we say things we will mostly regret in a little while. It is like family! The main thing is to make it right as best you can. A sincere apology will go a long way in correcting matters. If I log in and the discussion takes a turn I may not like, I LOG OFF. Simple. Just wait a little while, chat moves rather quickly and the subjects switch so fast. Just my 2 cents.  |
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Post by Bizzy on Mar 30, 2010 0:38:32 GMT -5
:-*Chat has helped me so much- but when I first came on ( and later too) I wasnt sure how to use it. It was my first time on a chat.. When I got verbose or redundant or broght up something that did not belong on there- - people were kind enough to PM me abut it.. I was and am very worried about offending or overwhelming people here- I need to be here- it is all I got. I would much rather be clued in by someone than to continue to mess up. I dont have any suggestions. One thing is it is sometimes hard and awkward ( as someone mentioned) to just drop into chat in the middle of a conversation when you dont know what has been said or covered- and you just need to work. It is like interuppting and I know it may seem rude--. But sometimes that is what I have to do-- to get busy. If I dont do it now- I simply wont do it. But people have been very kind- maybe they wanted to bean me- but they didnt'.  I feel very vulnerable and this is just about the only place where I feel I can be myself and be honest and mostly accepted-- With all my foibles. And I am very gratefull for that.  Bizzy |
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Post by bigtimetroubles on Mar 30, 2010 7:08:17 GMT -5
well certainly the chat room helps people get things done and contains a neat feature I have NEVER used....IGNORE....
but in past I have jumped out of chat when someperson made me feel anger...it was my own anger that took me out....
but as for a way to give a way to use chat to anyone who has never been there before as stated by some in this thread when we got there for the first time or two we did not know what we were into...I found chat warm and the most friendly palace I have ever been into until a controversy arose over language that was not permitted by Proboard policy....so at that point I yes BTT stuck his two cents question into it about something that drew the ire of a slew of others to the point that I was not going to continue in chat after that....but as someone said things move fast in chat...things change and people there for the 98% of time are very wonderful to anyone there....
I do however think we somehow could give helpful hints in joining chat for first timers about things we often end up telling them in chat to show them how to use chat.....like 15mins on challenges...it is already there in the writings at the bottom of the room....so if it is not broken do not try to fix it with a sledge hammer....
as for language that is unacceptable under proboards policy and it perhaps flairing up in a chat....I cannot say I hate seeing any four letter words used but by the mention that someone said a member was going to leave SooS and perhaps hurt themselves...that means something was not right in the situation and I just only know I can pray these things never occur....I know others have no desire to have any kind of four letter words used in their presence....that is why Ignore happens to be there....
I guess that is all I can muster....I know I never want to hurt anyone with my own words....and I have sometimes done just that....
hugs btt
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MiSC
Banned
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 1,611
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Post by MiSC on Mar 30, 2010 8:08:13 GMT -5
I'm not going to go into the details, but I should say that it was me who fired off all the language, and it didn't have to do with any newbies who might have happened to come by chat and didn't know the rules, and the person who almost left the board was on the receving end of it. Also, this wasn't matter of "This might offend someone." It was "This is designed to offend someone."
I got the impression that I should clarify that.
ETA: Someone just reminded me to put here that I did apologize. I didn't just leave it at that.
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