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Post by crazycatlady on Aug 25, 2008 21:38:50 GMT -5
Oh, dear Rose! I'm so sorry that you had such a rough day! But I do hope that later, in a few days or weeks, you can re-read this thread and hopefully get some insight into your relationship with your stuff, and your relationships with your parents. Maybe even print it out to show your therapist or doc.
I'm so glad that you seem to have a direction, now. I hope that you can recover from this fright, and feel peaceful inside. Do remember the basics...to take things a little bit at a time, and to take breaks for drinks of water and meals!
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Post by margarita on Aug 25, 2008 22:21:13 GMT -5
Ms. Rose of Texas, I am so sorry to hear that you are so upset.
You are a very wise and intelligent person. (I can tell from all of your regular posts.) You are witty, and creative. There are many, many good things about you.
This situation - sounds like it is about your Mom's unreasonable fear of her older brother. (Your Uncle.) For some reason, knowing that he is coming totally freaks her out.
Somehow, you are in the middle of this. Why, though? Maybe because your parents are over reacting to his upcoming visit. It doesn't sound like you are at fault at all.
You sound like you have a good plan in picking up the bags in the utility room, etc. I do not understand why it matters to everyone there what is being stored in your garage, though.
What is the difference between storing a box in a garage vs. a shed?
Is there anyway you can avoid your Uncle when he arrives? I hope he will not be there long.
It doesn't sound at all to me that your parents want you to leave though.
Sounds like they just want some stuff put away and reorganized.
Margarita
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Post by threeg on Aug 25, 2008 23:39:07 GMT -5
Hugs to you Rose.... ....I'm glad that some things were ironed out between you and your mom. I feel bad that you had to go through all of this. I KNOW the feeling of people touching, moving, or tossing stuff without your permission. It DOES feel like a rape. I went into a terrible rage when it happened to me. We are all behind you and care about you. You are in my prayers. 3g
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Post by roseoftexas on Aug 26, 2008 0:54:54 GMT -5
Thank you all for the kind and thoughtful words. Ms. Rose of Texas, I am so sorry to hear that you are so upset.
You are a very wise and intelligent person. (I can tell from all of your regular posts.) You are witty, and creative. There are many, many good things about you.
This situation - sounds like it is about your Mom's unreasonable fear of her older brother. (Your Uncle.) For some reason, knowing that he is coming totally freaks her out.
A lot has changed. We moved a bunch of stuff around in the house. My brother's wife divorced him. We were expecting some of his stuff to come here, but that changed.
Somehow, you are in the middle of this. Why, though?
I live here, in the space he'll be visiting. I think there is great fear of what to say about the divorce; they already told the family about the divorce via postal mail. There's nothing much else to say.
Maybe because your parents are over reacting to his upcoming visit. It doesn't sound like you are at fault at all.
You sound like you have a good plan in picking up the bags in the utility room, etc. I do not understand why it matters to everyone there what is being stored in your garage, though.
What is the difference between storing a box in a garage vs. a shed?
Good question. I sat here considering. The garage is the side entrance to the house. He pulls up into the driveway, uses his own garage door opener my parents gave him for when he comes to visit, and lets himself into the house. As my mom said, the bags have started stinking due to damage from a flood in May. Then the cats peed. There is an odor, I guess. So it hits you when you come in the house.
I was working on it, trying to work on the situation. I have not done enough. I need to do more. I will try to do something about the odor. There are windows off the side of the utility room. I will open the windows, try to let the air circulate. Move the bags out to the sheds today when it's light outside.
Is there anyway you can avoid your Uncle when he arrives? I hope he will not be there long.
I am actually scheduled to work during the evenings; he usually comes back from working on his ranch, goes out to eat, and takes me with him. But I am scheduled to work this time.
My uncle is a nice, elderly person. I say 'elderly'. The only thing that makes him 'elderly' is literally age - he is in his 80s but does a lot more and works a lot more than many people who are much younger than he is. He is a nice person; it will be ok. I don't mind his visits; they used to make me very nervous at first but he just wants to come here and work on his ranch.
I believe there is fear of judgment of my brother.* And my parents only told the family he divorced and gave everyone updated addresses and phone numbers. It is nobody's business really though, what happened.
*And me too, I guess. They are not proud of me being here, living like this in this space.
He will come on Thursday a little after noon and will probably leave sometime Monday morning. It shouldn't be bad.
It doesn't sound at all to me that your parents want you to leave though.
Sounds like they just want some stuff put away and reorganized.
Margarita
Right. I just felt they didn't want me here while it was all going on. Well and the confrontation. I will do my best and try not to worry.
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Post by roseoftexas on Aug 26, 2008 1:08:41 GMT -5
My brother is a good person. A failed marriage is just that - a failed marriage. It happens. He is carrying on and holding up pretty well, I believe. The rest of the family will, too.
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Post by margarita on Aug 26, 2008 2:26:41 GMT -5
Hang in there, Ms. Rose of Texas. You will all get through this! Margarita
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Post by Arid on Aug 26, 2008 13:56:15 GMT -5
Rose: I can remember when, like the subject of cancer, divorce was such a TABOO subject! When my brother was getting a divorce, my father wailed, ". . .but we've never had a divorce in OUR family!!!" I grimly told him, " Well, you've got one now."
Poor man--I did even worse, by his yardstick: Two years later, I MARRIED a divorced man! My dad lived through that, too. (Mr. Divorced Man and I have been married for 28 years now; don't believe everyone who says that all second marriages are doomed! It was my first marriage, though. Perhaps, that made a difference. I don't think so, however. What makes the difference is picking the right person for you and your values.)
Arid
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Post by BDG on Aug 26, 2008 16:12:28 GMT -5
Why is your uncle coming on Thursday, to move in, or to finish moving your things out? Did they say why he was coming? There are laws about evicting someone, you need to find out what they are. Call the number Zinnia gave you, someimes just having someone to brainstorm with can help you not only feel better, but help you figure out what to do.
You sound more hurt than angry right now, and that is harder to deal with than anger, so please call the hotline. Check back in often, we are all concerned about you.
Sorry I did not see a second page when I started writing a response. I am very glad things have improved and are not as bad as I thought.
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Post by zinnia on Aug 26, 2008 16:30:51 GMT -5
RoseOfTexas, I hope things are a lot better today. You did a good job of trying to calm yourself and communicate after a shocking and stressful incident. You can handle difficult things and come out okay. Hugs to you. Let us know how you're doing.
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Post by roseoftexas on Aug 27, 2008 4:18:29 GMT -5
Rose: I can remember when, like the subject of cancer, divorce was such a TABOO subject! When my brother was getting a divorce, my father wailed, ". . .but we've never had a divorce in OUR family!!!" I grimly told him, " Well, you've got one now."
You hit the nail on the head. I had never realized there was a 'taboo' associated with cancer, but divorce (in my parents' eyes) - most definitely.
...What makes the difference is picking the right person for you and your values.
I agree!
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Post by roseoftexas on Aug 27, 2008 4:46:00 GMT -5
Why is your uncle coming on Thursday, to move in, or to finish moving your things out? Did they say why he was coming?
He used to come quite often - monthly almost. He owns some land out here (rural area), so he goes and works on his land.
There are laws about evicting someone, you need to find out what they are. Call the number Zinnia gave you, someimes just having someone to brainstorm with can help you not only feel better, but help you figure out what to do.
I believe they just went into a panic, as Arid theorized. I have come up with a plan to address the plastic bag situation - it is a little frustrating that I can't keep my things in the house or the garage. The house, I understand, as it's already full.
But the garage is a bit frustrating, but my mom would like access to get to her attic and for someone to be able to park a second car in there. And she did purchase a nice portable storage building this summer to house my brother's things, which ended up not coming after all. So we might as well use it for something else. It is rather small, but if I stack things in there neatly, maybe I can make it work.
That way, both the house and the garage will be mostly clear of my things and we can have company here, which is what my parents want as they cannot have company in the house they live in. And we do need to be able to have this house available for company; that was kind of the deal when I moved in.
I got a bit messed up in regards to my meds and have kind of let the house and my own personal hygiene and pretty much everything go in recent months. But I visited with my psych doctor yesterday (even worked up the courage to email him this thread, God forbid ), so maybe we can get me back on track. I am very grateful for his compassion and concern and professional help.
You sound more hurt than angry right now, and that is harder to deal with than anger, so please call the hotline. Check back in often, we are all concerned about you.
I will definitely save the number, just in case I ever need it in the future! My psychiatrist is keeping a careful eye on me right now, and I went and picked up prescription refills per his insistence, yesterday. And I'm already feeling better. (A big relief!)
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Post by lettinggo on Aug 27, 2008 5:13:42 GMT -5
Rose, I am so glad that things have been clarified for you, and that you are not, maybe, so scared anymore.
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Post by roseoftexas on Aug 27, 2008 5:32:28 GMT -5
RoseOfTexas, I hope things are a lot better today. You did a good job of trying to calm yourself and communicate after a shocking and stressful incident. You can handle difficult things and come out okay. Hugs to you. Let us know how you're doing. Thank you so much for the encouraging words! I can, indeed, handle difficult things and come out okay! I believe it was the combination of just having fallen into a deep sleep and being messed up off of my medication - bad Rose! and the 'surprise' factor (no warning and no time spent to let me wake up or talk to me about the situation or ask for my input) ... all of it all at once just hit me all wrong. On that note, if there is anyone out there reading this who is considering 'helping' a family member with this problem by coming in by force and trying to force the person to clean up, I beg you to reconsider. We squalorees are more attached to our things than the average person, and it is a very, very traumatic thing. Please don't try to force your loved one to clean up! Please!See also: www.squalorsurvivors.com/supporters/lisa.shtmlMy situation is a bit different than the story outlined above, as my stuff is confined to piles and piles and piles in the utility room and garage right now. I don't have 'goat trails', etc. But that's all the more reason for me to insist to my family that I must address this situation in my own time, in my own way.I will of course try my best to address my parents' concerns that we keep this house presentable for company and move my stuff to the sheds. But I come here (to SOS) to get the support and encouragement I need to confront and deal with this problem. I did not ask for my parents' help, and I do not want it (however well-intentioned it was.) I am a person who is not shy about asking for help (as those of you who know me well can attest to), and if I want help, I will ask for it.
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Post by DJ on Aug 27, 2008 7:36:03 GMT -5
rose- our situations are almost absolutely nothing alike. i think our family's could get together, talk about us and wail about us loudly though.. of course that would only be if my family talked about family outside of the family. heh. i have been dealing with depression since my mother died and it has taken me preemptively fighting them tooth and nail to keep them from steam rolling me with love and affection to do everything exactly how they think i should.
i manage to cope with it mainly by knowing that they do what they do and feel what they feel because they love me immensely and want to take care of me. they are also fairly conservative, family oriented, extremely hard workers, agricultural family's put type-a financial types to shame... a wallstreet pit worker might log on from their laptop at the hospital if they have a heart attack.. farm workers tend to just go home.. because, of course, they have the farm to tend to. and if they can they'll deny it was a heart attack anyway and claim it was indigestion.. this is of course just my own experience. I think for people like that they.. though can't grasp not being able to cope with something that to them looks simple. and it wouldn't even occur to them to explain what they feel needs to be done. and there are alot of strange and unspoken concepts of pride, values and ethics as well as love.. and that leaves a lot of room for miscommunication and in the wake of that... a lot of hurt...
what has helped me cope with my family that can suffocate me with love is to clearly ask- what are you concerned about? what would you like me to do? -what are your expectations?- much like you did in your email. i don't always respond exactly how they would like me to. but at least it's clearly stated at that point. i can address their concerns and lay some of them to rest. i can get their input to things that i might actually not think about or notice in grief, depression, and overwhelm. and i can show them respect by listening to their wisdom.. because as much as i sometimes want to jam my head into my pillow and cry, and sometimes do, when i feel under attack by them.. they are some of the most amazing and caring people i've ever met and all in all.. i feel pretty lucky to be born into my family.
things sound more complicated for you because you are dependent on your family in some ways.. it sounds like they really do love because in some ways they are trying to provide for you.. i other ways they sound like they don't have the slightest clue about how your mind works or what triggers how you feel or your reactions.. but from what you say it doesn't sound like they don't love you, they just don't comprehend...sort of paralleling how you don't know what they expect from you while staying in the house..
you stated at one point that they weren't proud of the living situation i think? i am somewhat afraid to type this, you sound on the ragged edge already and like the last thing you need is an additional burden.. but one way that everyone might feel better is if instead of being the inhabitant of an otherwise idle home you were to view it as being the caretaker of the home. it's not just a warehouse for you and your possessions that your parents are kindly lending you without return.. but you are the care taker of their property.. rather than just not injuring/damaging/lessening the real value or value as perceived by them you are actually doing a service. an occupied building is less likely to be vandalised, any weather damage will be immediately noticed.. it might actually be very meaningful to your family if you expressed that you would like to repay them in that way and if there's anything you could do to achieve that... if the idea of adding one more thing to your plate for any reason is too much, please forgive me. i just have enough of my own family's insane sense of responsibility that it helps as a goad as well as a guide to feel that i have an obligation to do something.. and there's a certain sense of pride in earning and doing that can give meaning rather than just being gifted with something.. or feeling beholden and or at someone else's mercy...
this has been an extremely long post and i very rarely post here... i'm afraid the entire message is out of line.. if so. again. please forgive me. you sound so very distressed. if absolutely nothing i've written is applicable to you, your situation, or your family.. please disregard all of it except for the fact that the people here care about you and are wishing you the best. please take care of yourself rose.
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Post by Arid on Aug 27, 2008 13:46:00 GMT -5
Since the "deal", as you put it, was that the house in which you are living always would be available (and, in your mother's mind, at least--"company ready" at all times), then that is the standard to which you are obligated. However, I'm having a really, really difficult time keeping my "snarkniness" in check here! WHY can your parents NOT have company at the home in which they are living?!!!! Is it because they live so far out in the country, or is it because THEY have a home that is too full of "stuff" to have visitors? If it is the latter, I can't help but think that the way that they are treating you is extremely hypocritical. Then again, they get an "A+" for having come up with a workable solution--have ANOTHER home strictly for receiving visitors. How many of us squalorers wish that we could afford to do that?!!! !!! (I'd certainly do it, if I could--a sweet, little guesthouse, out in the back yard--picture perfect, as in "Better Homes and Gardens"--ah, I can picture it now!) Am I the only one who sees it this way? Maybe, I'm just in a crabby mood at the moment. . . Anyway, I'm glad that you are back on your meds and are feeling better, Rose. Take care, Arid
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