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Post by heylady1 on Aug 31, 2008 15:54:23 GMT -5
Krazykatlady wrote; Well said Krazykatlady!! I've put my foot in my mouth many times and I expect I will do the same in the future (although I do try to avoid it!! ) And for you Rose...
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Post by messymimi on Aug 31, 2008 16:43:58 GMT -5
Dear Rose, When you first started this thread, I took the words of the title to mean you were feeling extremely violated, and nothing more. messymimi
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Post by CrimsonKat on Sept 1, 2008 0:13:49 GMT -5
Hi Rose,
As far as the discussion in the other thread about your word choice... I am not upset or angry. I understood what you meant. I can't help that the word has associations for me, but it's okay. I dealt with it and I am okay. I hear that word from time-to-time said casually in life and I react internally then also. But, at least you weren't being casual. You were trying to express how you felt and there is nothing wrong with that. I am sorry that you went through all that. I am so glad that you came here to share and get support. That is why I love this place and the people here.
Hugs to you. I hope all is well.
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Post by threeg on Sept 2, 2008 0:01:02 GMT -5
Rose, I knew that you meant you felt violated, and all I felt after reading your original post, was compassion as I had people take my stuff and toss it also. My own husband, for one! Later on, I started to feel all of the memories of my actual rape, but this was NOT your fault. It just happens to me occasionally. It could come after a movie, TV show, or seeing a blond man who looks like he did. PLEASE don't feel bad about this. 3g
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saveit
New Member
Joined: August 2008
Posts: 18
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Post by saveit on Sept 2, 2008 0:44:15 GMT -5
So, today is the day my uncle arrives. Yesterday was my day off, and my mom spent the entire day up here mowing the yard. I was going to hire someone (not that I have a lot of extra money), but I was still going to try to find someone to get it done. So instead of tending to the bags, as I really wanted to do that in privacy, I: Washed up a bunch of crusty dishes & loaded them up in the dishwasher Unloaded the dishwasher & put away the dishes Washed up a second load of crusty dishes & loaded them up in the dishwasher Scoured the kitchen sink until it was gleaming Disinfected & wiped down the kitchen counters Washed off the portable dishwasher that somehow had ice cream that had dribbled down the side of it Went & bought groceries Went to bed after my mom finally left, while the second dishwasher was running, as my mom woke me up to begin her mowing marathon So I was working to overcome my demand-resistance and address the issues expressed by my parents that they're not happy about. I went out to the garage and started. And then I walked over to one of the trash cans that appeared to be full with yard clippings and such from when my mom mowed yesterday. I took the bag out - and these are those cheapo trash bin liners. The bag seemed unusually heavy, as if it was going to rip before I could tie it up and carry it over to the garbage cart. So I was going to get another bag and double-bag it, but thought to myself - what the heck is in there??? (That was so heavy.) And in the very bottom was my magazine collection that one of my parents apparently deemed "trash" when they began this whole thing the other day. I'm telling you ... this doesn't sit very well with me. My parents have medicine cabinets in this house full of medicines and ointments dating back to the 1960s (I am NOT joking!) and I have always respected their things enough not to touch them or throw them away. To me, it is trash. But that is beside the point. It is NOT my trash to be throwing away! My mother claims all they took the other day were the bookshelves and that they did put them in one of the back yard sheds. (I haven't checked yet.) What I can tell you is that if they did take something else that they deemed "trash" as well, it is not going to be good! And I will figure out if they took anything else because I know exactly what I had out there, as difficult as that may be for them to grasp. I will not fly into a rage. I will try to calm down, and perhaps send them an email explaining my feelings on this. I like very much djollydjolan's idea of my being a 'caretaker' of this house, and I'm happy to do so. But we are going to have to establish some boundaries. They have got to understand that all my stuff is all mixed up. I once had many "bags of bags" - you know, plastic shopping bags from the grocery store and Wal-Mart? And I was fixing to just throw them all out without going through them to make sure something hadn't gotten mixed up in it all, but I had this feeling I shouldn't. And it was a @*#& good thing I didn't just throw them all out! I found a Lenox lead crystal clock that had been given to me as a graduation gift some time back in the midst of all of them! So a person cannot just look in one of my bags for 3 seconds and say, "well that's just a bunch of crap!" and just go toss it! I'm sorry, but it just doesn't work that way!!!!! Boundaries! We have got to stand up for our boundaries, people!
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saveit
New Member
Joined: August 2008
Posts: 18
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Post by saveit on Sept 2, 2008 0:45:35 GMT -5
So, today is the day my uncle arrives. Yesterday was my day off, and my mom spent the entire day up here mowing the yard. I was going to hire someone (not that I have a lot of extra money), but I was still going to try to find someone to get it done. So instead of tending to the bags, as I really wanted to do that in privacy, I: Washed up a bunch of crusty dishes & loaded them up in the dishwasher Unloaded the dishwasher & put away the dishes Washed up a second load of crusty dishes & loaded them up in the dishwasher Scoured the kitchen sink until it was gleaming Disinfected & wiped down the kitchen counters Washed off the portable dishwasher that somehow had ice cream that had dribbled down the side of it Went & bought groceries Went to bed after my mom finally left, while the second dishwasher was running, as my mom woke me up to begin her mowing marathon So I was working to overcome my demand-resistance and address the issues expressed by my parents that they're not happy about. I went out to the garage and started. And then I walked over to one of the trash cans that appeared to be full with yard clippings and such from when my mom mowed yesterday. I took the bag out - and these are those cheapo trash bin liners. The bag seemed unusually heavy, as if it was going to rip before I could tie it up and carry it over to the garbage cart. So I was going to get another bag and double-bag it, but thought to myself - what the heck is in there??? (That was so heavy.) And in the very bottom was my magazine collection that one of my parents apparently deemed "trash" when they began this whole thing the other day. I'm telling you ... this doesn't sit very well with me. My parents have medicine cabinets in this house full of medicines and ointments dating back to the 1960s (I am NOT joking!) and I have always respected their things enough not to touch them or throw them away. To me, it is trash. But that is beside the point. It is NOT my trash to be throwing away! My mother claims all they took the other day were the bookshelves and that they did put them in one of the back yard sheds. (I haven't checked yet.) What I can tell you is that if they did take something else that they deemed "trash" as well, it is not going to be good! And I will figure out if they took anything else because I know exactly what I had out there, as difficult as that may be for them to grasp. I will not fly into a rage. I will try to calm down, and perhaps send them an email explaining my feelings on this. I like very much djollydjolan's idea of my being a 'caretaker' of this house, and I'm happy to do so. But we are going to have to establish some boundaries. They have got to understand that all my stuff is all mixed up. I once had many "bags of bags" - you know, plastic shopping bags from the grocery store and Wal-Mart? And I was fixing to just throw them all out without going through them to make sure something hadn't gotten mixed up in it all, but I had this feeling I shouldn't. And it was a @*#& good thing I didn't just throw them all out! I found a Lenox lead crystal clock that had been given to me as a graduation gift some time back in the midst of all of them! So a person cannot just look in one of my bags for 3 seconds and say, "well that's just a bunch of crap!" and just go toss it! I'm sorry, but it just doesn't work that way!!!!! Boundaries! We have got to stand up for our boundaries, people!
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saveit
New Member
Joined: August 2008
Posts: 18
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Post by saveit on Sept 2, 2008 1:11:49 GMT -5
Rose I recently joined about a week ago. I used other sites in the past and I believe this one is really about me. I had a very bad experience about 4 yrs ago. I took a job in another state and left behind my home that I lived in for 20 yrs. Well I have to tell you that I left a key for my loving overpowering sister to take care of things. Yes her husband was mowing the grass but the nosy neighbor next door that I had trouble with was a painter and he would empty the buckets of water that he cleaned his brushes in on the side of my house. Not only did he pour the water I'm my yard but I truly believe that he was using my water to wash the brushes. I would always find the paint near my hose. Well to try to make this as short as possible that jerk starting talking to my brother-in-law and make a deal that he would mow my lawn if he could dump a huge truckload of dirt on the side of my house. So one day I go back to my house and find this pile of dirt and he says that my brother-in-law gave him permission. That is just the beginning, my sister takes both her kids, her husband, herself, my brother, my brothers boy and a friend over to my house without telling me. They cut down all the trees that needed to be trimmed, instead of trimming them. They rented a dumpster and threw out a whole industrial dumpster of things. My sister didn't tell me until after they did this. I cant even tell you how if felt. And I think the wonderful people here know what I am talking about. Now the house is sold and I bought a house where I live. My sister came a few weeks after I moved in and started cleaning up again when I went outside to work in the yard. She had just given me some money so I didn't say much. But then the next time she came to visit she brought her daughter and when I went to the grocery store to get them some food they were putting up some shelves. And after I got back my sister goes off on me that I should be ashamed of living like I do. And she says "whose house looks better mine or yours" and of course I just say yours and go I'm my room and cry. Needless to say I have not invited her back again [actually that time she invited herself] Several times she has asked for a key to my house because if something happens she would need to get in and I told her then the police would have to tear down the doors if I am dead inside. Also she said that she wants to come to help me with my mess and said that she doesn't want me to complain if she throws things away. Oh boy.......guess what I keep making excuses for her not to come. I told her that I would need to take time off of work and she politely says that she could clean when I am at work. I feel terrible with my mess and feel like I cant start. I hope someone understands I see everything like it is and hate it so much that I get headaches when I am lying in bed thinking about it but I get frozen when I start to work on cleaning it out. I am on vacation this week and I promised myself that I will throw or give away at least 50 bags of stuff. Sorry this is so long but there is so much to the story Saveit
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Post by threeg on Sept 2, 2008 16:24:57 GMT -5
Welcome Saveit. So sorry about your sister violating your home and possessions. That must have been awful. OMG I would have gone soooo ballistic if my sister did that to me! If I were you, I would keep some distance between yourself and your sister. She sounds like she just likes to make you feel bad, and that's not what family is all about. Tell her that if she looks online, she will find PLENTY of houses in a worse state than she ever saw yours in. Who died and left her the queen of clean anyway? Last time I checked, nobody was perfect. Sorry if I sound angry, but I am so annoyed with the way you were/are being treated. You deserve better. 3g
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Post by brenda on Sept 3, 2008 2:04:12 GMT -5
Rose,
I am sorry you were so upset by your parents touching your belongings.
Since you live in there home and agreed to keep it company ready you are in a tough position. They probably feel they are helping you out and feel disrespected by the mess and that since you do not pay they have all the rights in the world.
Years ago I lived in an extra home of my grandmothers and she would show up for surprise inspections. I would get upset with her but now I think I was in the wrong. I knew what here standards were when I moved in and fooled myself in thinking I could keep them. I also did not pay rent so I should have behaved better.
It is good that she laid out what she expects from you, if you can maintain that standard great. If not it may hurt your relationship with your parents and family.
Good luck!
Brenda
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Post by roseoftexas on Sept 3, 2008 4:56:15 GMT -5
( Bold emphasis mine) Rose,
I am sorry you were so upset by your parents touching your belongings.
Since you live in there home and agreed to keep it company ready you are in a tough position. They probably feel they are helping you out and feel disrespected by the mess and that since you do not pay they have all the rights in the world.
Years ago I lived in an extra home of my grandmothers and she would show up for surprise inspections. I would get upset with her but now I think I was in the wrong. I knew what here standards were when I moved in and fooled myself in thinking I could keep them. I also did not pay rent so I should have behaved better.
It is good that she laid out what she expects from you, if you can maintain that standard great. If not it may hurt your relationship with your parents and family.
Good luck!
Brenda This may sound cold, but our relationship was never that great to begin with. I never wanted to come here at all, and it took almost two hours of arguing around and around and around with my brother before I finally caved in to his insistence that I needed to move back home. (He had just gotten me out of the mental hospital and refused to leave me all alone in my apartment by myself in the condition I was in, which, in retrospect, was probably for the best.) We are an extremely dysfunctional family. I know that email I posted from my mother sounded all "sweetness and light", but she just wrote that out of guilt and remorse for hollering and swearing at me earlier in the day. Lately, we seem to go through these cycles of extreme verbal abuse and then later, she turns around all apologetic and civil and remorseful. I do not fear for my physical safety. But I do not feel emotionally safe here anymore (and actually have not for some months now). I feel like they might as well just turn this place into a bed and breakfast, but it's in a residential neighborhood and nobody would probably pay to stay here anyway as cold and sterile as the place is. So, I am exploring my options. Getting back on my medication has helped me to think much more clearly and logically. I am wide open and just exploring all my options. I am even considering applying for public housing in the next county (the next county so I can get away from my family); I looked at their requirements for what is considered "low income" and I fall into the very lowest income category for one person - considered "extremely low income". I don't know what else is required for me to qualify to live there. The thing is, I am not permanently disabled. I have seen commercials for lawyers advertising they will help you apply for disability benefits if you have "depression". And I do have Major Depressive Disorder. BUT, if you read my response to djollydjolan re: my background and belief system - well, I don't want to go on disability. I don't believe I'm disabled. I just have to get my medications straightened out and get some cash coming in. It's very complicated. I actually wasn't going to post about this at all, as of course, posting a problem invites people to post possible solutions (which I'm totally open to, of course - ), it just all takes time. So I guess now that I'm posting this, if you all have possible ideas for me, please feel free to offer them. I'm open. And kind of desperate, but my medication is helping me stay calm. I may not be able to reply as much as I have though, as I've really got to focus on the issue at hand here and see what I can figure out.
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Post by roseoftexas on Sept 3, 2008 5:54:19 GMT -5
Rose I recently joined about a week ago. I used other sites in the past and I believe this one is really about me. I had a very bad experience about 4 yrs ago. I took a job in another state and left behind my home that I lived in for 20 yrs. Well I have to tell you that I left a key for my loving overpowering sister to take care of things. Yes her husband was mowing the grass but the nosy neighbor next door that I had trouble with was a painter and he would empty the buckets of water that he cleaned his brushes in on the side of my house. Not only did he pour the water I'm my yard but I truly believe that he was using my water to wash the brushes. I would always find the paint near my hose. Well to try to make this as short as possible that jerk starting talking to my brother-in-law and make a deal that he would mow my lawn if he could dump a huge truckload of dirt on the side of my house. So one day I go back to my house and find this pile of dirt and he says that my brother-in-law gave him permission. That is just the beginning, my sister takes both her kids, her husband, herself, my brother, my brothers boy and a friend over to my house without telling me. They cut down all the trees that needed to be trimmed, instead of trimming them. They rented a dumpster and threw out a whole industrial dumpster of things. My sister didn't tell me until after they did this. I cant even tell you how if felt. And I think the wonderful people here know what I am talking about. Now the house is sold and I bought a house where I live. My sister came a few weeks after I moved in and started cleaning up again when I went outside to work in the yard. She had just given me some money so I didn't say much. But then the next time she came to visit she brought her daughter and when I went to the grocery store to get them some food they were putting up some shelves. And after I got back my sister goes off on me that I should be ashamed of living like I do. And she says "whose house looks better mine or yours" and of course I just say yours and go I'm my room and cry. Needless to say I have not invited her back again [actually that time she invited herself] Several times she has asked for a key to my house because if something happens she would need to get in and I told her then the police would have to tear down the doors if I am dead inside. Also she said that she wants to come to help me with my mess and said that she doesn't want me to complain if she throws things away. Oh boy.......guess what I keep making excuses for her not to come. I told her that I would need to take time off of work and she politely says that she could clean when I am at work. I feel terrible with my mess and feel like I cant start. I hope someone understands I see everything like it is and hate it so much that I get headaches when I am lying in bed thinking about it but I get frozen when I start to work on cleaning it out. I am on vacation this week and I promised myself that I will throw or give away at least 50 bags of stuff. Sorry this is so long but there is so much to the story Saveit First, welcome! Second, have you identified what degree of squalor you are living in? Here is a page that can help you figure out where you 'fit' on the squalor scale: www.squalorsurvivors.com/squalor/measuring.shtmlFiguring out what degree of squalor you're living in and posting about that here will go a long way into helping us help you figure out the best possible ways to attack your problem and deal with your sister's domineering ways. You are not alone. A woman named Cynthia Lester did a documentary about her mother, which sounds eerily similar (in some ways) to what happened to you. Here is the trailer to the documentary called My Mother's Garden, if you can watch Google videos: www.seethrough-films.com/mmg/trailer.htmlI checked on Amazon and did not see anything about this documentary being mass-produced for sale. I would really love to see the whole thing because the ending of the trailer... is very sad. We have discussed this movie trailer several times on the old SS forum, but our newer members on SOS may not be familiar with it. It seems so similar to what happened to you that I felt it worth bringing up again - most of all so that you can know that you are not alone. And, perhaps that trailer is something you could show your sister. This thread. These stories. We must stand up for ourselves. Even though I don't get along with my mother in the best of ways, she's said a lot of wise things over the years - one of those being, "If you don't stand up for yourself, nobody else will." And in many ways, that's true. I know there is a very fine line here - a tightrope, so to speak. Our loved ones worry about us and (hopefully) want the best for us. And yes, we all need and/or want to do something about our situations. That's why we're all here. The key is action. And I myself am going to have to start taking some more action, as I have been sitting here reading and writing and laughing and joking online all night when I actually have a very big problem on my hands right now that I have got to address soon. So please forgive me if I'm unable to return and post more as I try to confront my own situation, but hopefully my comments might help steer you in the right direction. And perhaps one of the mods might be able to move your post off this thread and start a new one on the General Board so your own particular situation can get more attention. Best to you, Rose
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Sept 7, 2008 3:43:17 GMT -5
Rose I recently joined about a week ago. I used other sites in the past and I believe this one is really about me.
I had a very bad experience about 4 yrs ago. I took a job in another state and left behind my home that I lived in for 20 yrs.
Well I have to tell you that I left a key for my loving overpowering sister to take care of things.
Yes her husband was mowing the grass but the nosy neighbor next door that I had trouble with was a painter and he would empty the buckets of water that he cleaned his brushes in on the side of my house. Not only did he pour the water I'm my yard but I truly believe that he was using my water to wash the brushes. I would always find the paint near my hose.
Well to try to make this as short as possible that jerk starting talking to my brother-in-law and make a deal that he would mow my lawn if he could dump a huge truckload of dirt on the side of my house. So one day I go back to my house and find this pile of dirt and he says that my brother-in-law gave him permission.
That is just the beginning, my sister takes both her kids, her husband, herself, my brother, my brothers boy and a friend over to my house without telling me.
They cut down all the trees that needed to be trimmed, instead of trimming them. They rented a dumpster and threw out a whole industrial dumpster of things.
My sister didn't tell me until after they did this. I cant even tell you how if felt. And I think the wonderful people here know what I am talking about.
Now the house is sold and I bought a house where I live. My sister came a few weeks after I moved in and started cleaning up again when I went outside to work in the yard. She had just given me some money so I didn't say much. But then the next time she came to visit she brought her daughter and when I went to the grocery store to get them some food they were putting up some shelves. And after I got back my sister goes off on me that I should be ashamed of living like I do. And she says "whose house looks better mine or yours" and of course I just say yours and go I'm my room and cry. Needless to say I have not invited her back again [actually that time she invited herself]
Several times she has asked for a key to my house because if something happens she would need to get in and I told her then the police would have to tear down the doors if I am dead inside. Also she said that she wants to come to help me with my mess and said that she doesn't want me to complain if she throws things away.
Oh boy.......guess what I keep making excuses for her not to come. I told her that I would need to take time off of work and she politely says that she could clean when I am at work. I feel terrible with my mess and feel like I cant start. I hope someone understands I see everything like it is and hate it so much that I get headaches when I am lying in bed thinking about it but I get frozen when I start to work on cleaning it out. I am on vacation this week and I promised myself that I will throw or give away at least 50 bags of stuff.
Sorry this is so long but there is so much to the story
Saveit
Saveit ... just wondered if you'd noticed ... there is another thread that was graciously started for you here: takeonestepatatime.proboards83.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=general&thread=1560
Lots of welcomes have been posted to you, Saveit, on that new thread.-
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Sept 7, 2008 5:53:17 GMT -5
- i understand that they did not physically hurt you but i was extremely concerned because your writing is usually so sharp and your post was so unlike your usual writing style. are you feeling any better?
Yes, I am feeling a little better and less disoriented. I got something to eat and took my meds and ate. I also took some headache meds.
It just caught me totally off guard.
It is hard for me to deal with my stuff as it is. Much less someone else moving it about and taking it here and yon, without my having any say in it. Plus I had some artwork of a private/personal nature they were fixing to uncover. I suspect my mom may have uncovered part of it and stopped. Finally.
I felt like they wanted me to leave because if there is no room for my stuff, I reckon there is no room for me. Not physically, but spiritually I guess.
During the confrontation, my mother was hollering about it being 2 years of my living here and I haven't done anything with the stuff.
Oh, dear Rose! I'm so sorry that you had such a rough day! But I do hope that later, in a few days or weeks, you can re-read this thread and hopefully get some insight into your relationship with your stuff, and your relationships with your parents. Maybe even print it out to show your therapist or doc.
I got a bit messed up in regards to my meds and have kind of let the house and my own personal hygiene and pretty much everything go in recent months. But I visited with my psych doctor yesterday (even worked up the courage to email him this thread, God forbid ), so maybe we can get me back on track. I am very grateful for his compassion and concern and professional help.
My psychiatrist is keeping a careful eye on me right now, and I went and picked up prescription refills per his insistence, yesterday. And I'm already feeling better. (A big relief!)
I believe it was the combination of just having fallen into a deep sleep and being messed up off of my medication - bad Rose! and the 'surprise' factor (no warning and no time spent to let me wake up or talk to me about the situation or ask for my input) ... all of it all at once just hit me all wrong.
On that note, if there is anyone out there reading this who is considering 'helping' a family member with this problem by coming in by force and trying to force the person to clean up, I beg you to reconsider. We squalorees are more attached to our things than the average person, and it is a very, very traumatic thing. Please don't try to force your loved one to clean up! Please!
See also: www.squalorsurvivors.com/supporters/lisa.shtml
My situation is a bit different than the story outlined above, as my stuff is confined to piles and piles and piles in the utility room and garage right now. I don't have 'goat trails', etc. But that's all the more reason for me to insist to my family that I must address this situation in my own time, in my own way.
I will of course try my best to address my parents' concerns that we keep this house presentable for company and move my stuff to the sheds. But I come here (to SOS) to get the support and encouragement I need to confront and deal with this problem. I did not ask for my parents' help, and I do not want it (however well-intentioned it was.) I am a person who is not shy about asking for help (as those of you who know me well can attest to), and if I want help, I will ask for it.
I became so alarmed when I read your first few entries, but as time went on your entries became clearer and it sounds like you are managing better.
But I am still concerned. If you can soon, I do hope you see your doctor and discuss this matter. It would seem that not only were your medications not meeting your needs a few days ago, but that you were on the verge of serious decompensation. But after taking them there was some improvement. Still, as long as these events continue to recurr, it would seem an alternate plan might be worth exploring with your doctor.
I had never heard of the word "decompensation" so I looked it up in the dictionary: dictionary.reference.com/browse/decompensation There is a link to a concise, easy-to-understand definition for anyone else who's never heard of it either.
Re: my doctor. I am to see him again in 3 weeks, and yes, he is watching me very carefully. I take great comfort in the fact that he seems genuinely concerned about my well-being and that when it comes to my case, he is "ON IT", if you know what I mean.
One thing I can say is that it is becoming more and more apparent that Xanax has a profound effect not only on my brain, but my mood, my sense of reality, and a major impact, it seems, on my personality. This is the most frightening thing I've ever experienced in my life. But again, I take comfort in the fact that once I got the Xanax back in my system, my sense of reality and my sense of 'self' seemed to return. So that, it does not seem we are dealing with a more serious mental disorder other than depression, anxiety, and I guess you would call it 'OCD' when it comes to my possessions - that last part I'm not 100% sure of.
One thing that frightens me a great deal is that if I had to get back on Xanax to get my sense of reality and my sense of 'self' back, then who in the hell am I without Xanax? That is off-topic, I know, so I will quit talking about that here. .
If you can please understand that I was withdrawing from a high dose of an extremely powerful, addictive prescription drug when I started this thread and the actual event WAS extremely traumatic.
(I mentioned there was a "confrontation". What I neglected to say was that, when my parents refused to STOP what they were doing and talk to me, I literally started throwing things, i.e. furniture, a heavy computer, and boxes of video and cassette tapes that spilled out all over the place) across the garage - frightening my parents so that they threatened to call the police.
But I genuinely felt threatened and extremely frightened myself! I spoke with my doctor the very next day who insisted I go to the pharmacy immediately and refill my Xanax. (I was so incoherent that I could not even make it to his office; my "appointment" with him was over the phone.) Later that day, I did finally manage to pull myself together to get to the pharmacy - no easy task, as it was an 80 mile round trip, but I did it, per his insistence.
I feel I have a long road ahead of me, as I mentioned in the previous post - I do not even know who "I" am when I am not on this drug.
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On another thread, Rose further clarified (regarding the feelings of violation/rape):
Those were my honest feelings. I was in bed sleeping when they came, half-naked. I was barely clothed.
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Returning back to this thread:
Rose,
I am sorry you were so upset by your parents touching your belongings.
Since you live in there home and agreed to keep it company ready you are in a tough position. They probably feel they are helping you out and feel disrespected by the mess and that since you do not pay they have all the rights in the world.
Years ago I lived in an extra home of my grandmothers and she would show up for surprise inspections. I would get upset with her but now I think I was in the wrong. I knew what here standards were when I moved in and fooled myself in thinking I could keep them. I also did not pay rent so I should have behaved better.
It is good that she laid out what she expects from you, if you can maintain that standard great. If not it may hurt your relationship with your parents and family.
This may sound cold, but our relationship was never that great to begin with.
I never wanted to come here at all, and it took almost two hours of arguing around and around and around with my brother before I finally caved in to his insistence that I needed to move back home. (He had just gotten me out of the mental hospital and refused to leave me all alone in my apartment by myself in the condition I was in, which, in retrospect, was probably for the best.)
We are an extremely dysfunctional family. I know that email I posted from my mother sounded all "sweetness and light", but she just wrote that out of guilt and remorse for hollering and swearing at me earlier in the day. Lately, we seem to go through these cycles of extreme verbal abuse and then later, she turns around all apologetic and civil and remorseful.
I do not fear for my physical safety. But I do not feel emotionally safe here anymore (and actually have not for some months now). I feel like they might as well just turn this place into a bed and breakfast, but it's in a residential neighborhood and nobody would probably pay to stay here anyway as cold and sterile as the place is.
So, I am exploring my options. Getting back on my medication has helped me to think much more clearly and logically. I am wide open and just exploring all my options. I am even considering applying for public housing in the next county (the next county so I can get away from my family); I looked at their requirements for what is considered "low income" and I fall into the very lowest income category for one person - considered "extremely low income".
I don't know what else is required for me to qualify to live there.
The thing is, I am not permanently disabled. I have seen commercials for lawyers advertising they will help you apply for disability benefits if you have "depression". And I do have Major Depressive Disorder. BUT, if you read my response to djollydjolan re: my background and belief system - well, I don't want to go on disability. I don't believe I'm disabled. I just have to get my medications straightened out and get some cash coming in.
It's very complicated. I actually wasn't going to post about this at all, as of course, posting a problem invites people to post possible solutions (which I'm totally open to, of course - ), it just all takes time. So I guess now that I'm posting this, if you all have possible ideas for me, please feel free to offer them. I'm open. And kind of desperate, but my medication is helping me stay calm.
I may not be able to reply as much as I have though, as I've really got to focus on the issue at hand here and see what I can figure out. Dear Rose ... I am finally replying to this thread ... I, too, was concerned when I first read the first few posts in this thread, as it sounded incoherent ... or as Eagle said, it was as if you were "on the verge of serious decompensation" .... or ... my mind flashed to the "Undun" song by the Guess Who. ... I wondered, has she come undone, has she "lost it", come unhinged, coming unravelled? I was really worried. [Editing to clarify: I was worried because you are one of the most intelligent, articulate writers on this forum. So I knew that you were having a very difficult time. I was so worried about you.] As I read through the posts ... your mind became clearer and the facts became clearer. I just quoted a few key points here. I think that what happened was this: You got out of a mental hospital some time ago (over a year ago) and your brother suggested that you move into the extra home that your parents had inherited when a relative died. Your parents don't use this extra home ... Your parents had been using this extra building only as a place for occasional guests to stay in when visiting -- because your parents' own home is cluttered. So you moved in there, with a chance to have some space and time to get your life back together. You stored your belongings in the garage. You got a job working from home. You began working on self-healing. You joined Squalor Survivors. You'd been sorting through your stuff, slowly, working on it. You'd gotten rid of lots of stuff, but you were working at the pace you felt safe at. Then Mother Nature intervened, and, a few months ago, there was a big storm and a flood. And lots of your stuff in the garage got soaked. It rapidly got moldy, and you tried to cope with it ... but it was rather overwhelming. And, to top it all off, one of your cats peed on one of the bags. Meanwhile, during these past few months, there have been some other family dramas, that have nothing to do with you, but have nonetheless made your parents feel more tense about life in general. Apparently, this whole experience that you mentioned in your thread .... has given you the impression that your parents might be wondering how long you'll be there .... "How long will it take Rose to get her life together and move on?" They have never, however, actually SAID this to you ... but you now have that impression, due to the recent events. Meanwhile, you are still in recovery from whatever transpired long ago in the mental hospital, and are under a doctor's care. Due to more family drama.... one day, out of the blue, your parents decide to go to your home (their guest house) and just show up UNANNOUNCED ... to move your belongings from the garage to the sheds. They haven't phoned you tell you they intend to do this. They just show up. BUT ... the issues are these: - You've been off your Xanax for a while. Apparently you ran out.
- You work odd hours of the day and night doing a job from home that requires that you be awake via phone or internet at certain hours. You'd finished a shift and were in DEEP sleep.
- Your body thought it was the middle of the night, as you were in deep sleep after a work shift ... BUT ... your parents thought it was the middle of the day ... because it WAS the daytime. They saw no problem with the hour of their visit. But you had NO idea they'd be coming by.
- You were in bed, sleeping, and half-naked.
- Your mom phoned you (from her cell phone?) to say that they were in your garage moving your stuff NOW and you had to come outside and help them NOW.
- You were off your medications, sound asleep, completely disoriented, and half-naked, and SOMEBODY was in your HOME moving your stuff, unannounced, without your permission. (Despite the fact that it's legally your parents' building, it was where you live).
- You were so unbalanced that you got furious and started throwing large items at your parents, and they became afraid.
So .... you "lost it" for a bit there. [Edit to clarify. ... So what if you fell apart that day? There's no reason to judge you for that. You had a bad experience -- compounded by a medication imbalance. It's no wonder your reaction was so intense. Maybe your choice of words was intense, but ... you were feeling intense emotions.
A long while ago (before I joined Squalor Survivors), I fell apart -- I was sitting on the couch crying for a couple of years. Turns out it was caused by a hormone imbalance. I do understand that imbalances can make us react in unusual ways.] Once you'd calmed down, it did seem at first (to you) that you might have possibly overreacted a bit -- as they said they were just moving your stuff from the garage to the sheds. You still felt very violated, but not quite as upset as before, But later on, when you went to adjust the grass clippings or branches or something in the trash can, you discovered that they'd actually thrown out some of your stuff (despite their claims otherwise). So this was more upset. Later on, you did take some meds ... and also had an emergency over-the-phone appointment with your psych doc, and somehow found the strength and resolve to drive to the city in order to renew your prescription. I really do understand that you were disoriented, and in distress, and off your meds when you first started this thread. I also understand that you vocalized (typed) unvarnished feelings here. If you'd been awake, and on meds, and "feeling in charge", you'd have been pissed off that your parents came by unannounced and began moving your stuff. You'd have felt violated. But you may or may not have used the same words to express your feelings. You might have created a forum post with more subdued language. But, in some ways, the fact that you expressed those deep feelings -- in raw language -- might have been helpful, because ... ... I see that you followed CrazyCatLady's suggestion and showed this thread to your psych doc. Perhaps the fact that you posted exactly what you were feeling ... in a raw unvarnished way ... perhaps that will provide some good clues for you and your doctor to work with together. So ... it sounds like you are taking some action steps:1) You reconnected with your psych doc. - You got some meds.
- You're thinking about "Who is Rose without Xanax?" -- and hopefully you and your doctor can work on whatever is appropriate regarding that.
- You've emailed this thread to your doctor ... and hopefully together you'll find ways to address whatever comes up -- about hoarding, and also about any of the other aspects of your life that you want to work on/through.
2) You're thinking about the dynamics of your living situation. - You've gotten an email response from your mother indicating what SPECIFICALLY she needs you to do with your stuff.
- You're considering the suggestion somebody in this thread offered ... that you become an official "caretaker" for the guest house ... as a way of having a more formal arrangement with your parents that also helps your own self-esteem.
- You realize now that they weren't actually asking you to move out, but you are tuning into the fact that they might be wondering when you'll be ready to leave the nest -- which leads back to the idea of meeting regularly with your psych doc to help you figure this out.
- You realize that your parents just don't "get" mental illness, hoarding, or even ordinary distress. They just don't know how to react to you. Heck, they're embarassed by anything out-of-the-ordinary within the family.
- You're starting to give some thought to long-term solutions for your living situation, such as applying for low-income housing in the next county.
3) You're posting here about moving your bags of stuff. - Again, you got an email from your mom detailing what she needs you to do with the stuff.
- You are going to move the stuff per her request ... for now... until you are ready to deal with it further.
- You once posted on the former forum a long thread about how you were going through your stuff, and you did clear out half the garage back then. It was quite inspirational!
- You know that you are a strong person and you'll get through this. From participating here and at the old forum, you know that we believe in you.
- You'd begun working on your stuff again, when Mother Nature intervened. That storm flooding of the garage was unexpected.
- I think that the flood was forcing a deadline on you ... what do do with stuff that was suddenly wet and rapidly beginning to grow mold. Nobody likes forced deadlines.
- You have asserted that you need to deal with this in your own way. I have faith that you'll find your own way.
- You posted here. Sometimes -- even if you don't know what to do next ... simply saying "This is difficult" is a step.
So... with these action steps -- connecting with psych doc, rethinking your living situation, and moving your bags of stuff ... you've made a good start. I know you'll overcome this! Hugs, Lioness -
- I may not be able to reply as much as I have though, as I've really got to focus on the issue at hand here and see what I can figure out. We understand. Take all the time you need to make your own choices.-
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