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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Dec 7, 2009 19:06:46 GMT -5
Abstinence from Neglecting any Mess
Part 1 of 5Dear Friends, This is a five-part post. My original post ... plus 4 replies to myself. It was too much to say in all one post. But ... ultimately, it is all one thought. It's really long, so you may want to read it in sections. Sorry about that. But ... it's my thought process. In some ways, I'm just writing my process, for me. I don't require any reply. If you want to reply, wait until you've reached the end ... as ... it really is all one thought. ⭐ Hint: You'll know you've reached the end when you see me ask ...
"What do you think?"
I asked myself "What is abstinence from squaloring?"To get the answer, I looked at a passage from an old book, and then adapted it, as follows:
The following is an adaptation of 12-Step ideas, but I'm NOT trying to "convert" anyone to the 12 Steps. I respect the fact that the 12-Step system is not everyone's cup of tea. I also know that the "addiction model" does not fit every squalorer. So therefore, I've changed the wording, by substituting: MANY squalorers instead of EVERY alcoholic. and by referring to squalorers as "habitual squalorers" instead of as "compulsive squalorers". Here's why I'm writing this:I'm just using the following writing as a METAPHOR for what I'm feeling/experiencing. I've never used alcohol. But I have bad habits. So I sometimes read the literature of Alcoholics Anonymous and adapt it for my own "issues". I read a passage in an A.A. book ... and it prompted me to THINK. I will give the passage here ... I give my conclusions in the post that follows after the passage.
The following is an ADAPTED quote from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous NOTE: this is from the non-copyright First EditionI have substituted: - "messiness"
instead of "drinking"
- "many habitual squalorers"
instead of "every alcoholic"
- "the first neglected mess/spill/pile/junk"
instead of "the first drink"
- "neglecting even one mess and/or clinging to even one useless item"
instead of "taking even one glass of beer"
- "to neglect messes or to cling to items"
instead of "to drink"
- "pounded on the corner of the cluttered table"
instead of "pounded on the bar"
- "I'll deal with the mess ... in a few days"
instead of "I'll stop with the sixth drink"
I also substituted: - "higher power" instead of "God"
and "for goodness sake" instead of "for God's sake".
- "she/he" instead of "he"
- "our brother and sister human beings" instead of "our fellows"
Note: "higher power" or "power greater than oneself" is that which inspires you to become a better person, and is personally defined by each person. This can be a spiritual source ... or the wisdom of others in recovery. Whatever it means to you. If you object to the word "spiritual", you may substitute "inspirational".
THERE IS A SOLUTIONFrom: The Big Book of Alcoholics AnonymousThe Chapter entitled "There is a Solution" Pages 24-25 NOTE: Adapted from the non-copyright First EditionBig Book text (adapted for squalorers) follows:
At a certain point in the messiness career of many habitual squalorers, they pass into a state where the most powerful desire to stop being messy is of absolutely no avail. This tragic situation has already arrived in practically every case long before it is suspected.
The fact is that many habitual squalorers, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in messiness. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first neglected mess/pile/spill/junk.
The almost certain consequences that follow neglecting even one mess and/or clinging to even one useless item ... do not crowd into the mind to deter us. If these thoughts occur, they are hazy and readily supplanted with the old threadbare idea that this time we shall handle ourselves like other people.
There is a complete failure of the kind of defense that keeps a person from putting her/his hand on a hot stove. The squalorer may say to herself/himself in the most casual way, "It won't burn me this time, so here's how!"
Or perhaps she/he doesn't think at all.
How often have some of us begun to neglect messes or cling to items ... in this nonchalant way, and after the third or fourth time, pounded on the corner of the cluttered table and said to ourselves, "For goodness sake, how did I ever lapse again?"
Only to have that thought supplanted by "Well, I'll deal with the mess ... in a few days." Or "What's the use anyhow?"
When this sort of thinking is fully established in an individual with squalorous tendencies, she/he might eventually place herself/himself beyond human aid. The situation might progress to the point that, unless she/he is removed from her home, she may die buried in a pile of stuff or frozen in an unheated home ... or lose her/his sanity. These stark and ugly facts have been experienced by many hidden yet severe squalorers throughout history. But for the grace of Higher Power, there would have been thousands more hidden tragedies.
So many want to change but cannot.
There is a solution.
Almost none of us liked the self-searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its successful consummation. But we saw that it really worked in others, and we had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it. When, therefore, we were approached by those in whom the problem had been solved, there was nothing left for us but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at our feet.
We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed.
The great fact is just this, and nothing less: That we have had deep and effective spiritual experiences which have revolutionized our whole attitude toward life, toward our brother and sister human beings, and toward the universe. The central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our Higher Power has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous. Higher Power has commenced to accomplish those things for us which we could never do by ourselves.
If you are as seriously messy as we were, we believe there is no middle-of-the-road solution. We were in a position where life was becoming impossible, and if we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid, we had but two alternatives: One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could; and the other, to accept spiritual help. This we did because we honestly wanted to, and were willing to make the effort.
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Other than the minor word substitutions that I outlined earlier (substituting squalorer for alcoholic, etc) ... the above text is exactly the way it was written in 1939 for A.A.
(non-copyright First Edition)
Exception:
I had to completely rewrite
one paragraph, as follows:
Original from Big Book of AA:When this sort of thinking is fully established in an individual with alcoholic tendencies, he has probably placed himself beyond human aid, and unless locked up, may die or go permanently insane. These stark and ugly facts have been confirmed by legions of alcoholics throughout history. But for the grace of God, there would have been thousands more convincing demonstrations. So many want to stop but cannot.
my edited version for squalorers:When this sort of thinking is fully established in an individual with squalorous tendencies, she/he might eventually place herself/himself beyond human aid. The situation might progress to the point that, unless she/he is removed from her home, she/he may die buried in a pile of stuff or frozen in an unheated home ... or lose her/his sanity. These stark and ugly facts have been experienced by many hidden yet severe squalorers throughout history. But for the grace of a Higher Power, there would have been thousands more hidden tragedies. So many want to change but cannot.
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Dec 7, 2009 19:07:50 GMT -5
- Abstinence from Neglecting any Mess
Part 2 of 5My personal thoughts ... I've been stuck ... because I haven't seen the goal clearly. ⭐ I think that I never really understood what my "abstinence from squaloring" would be.NOT the NOUN "squalor". I'm referring to a VERB "squaloring" (not sure if it's a real word, but I'm creating it).Squaloring as a VERB, a way of doing and living.
Squaloring = making squalor
Squaloring = nonchalantly living in one's own squalor with no attempt to change.
Squaloring = allowing the mess to increase I wanted to figure out
What is abstinence from squaloring ?For an alcoholic, sobriety is "don't drink." Ever.
That is clear.
I've often asked myself, what would be the corollary for myself as a "habitual squalorer"?An alcoholic must STOP drinking.
But ... a squalorer ... must START cleaning up ... so what would the "abstinence" be?
I knew that the answer WASN'T "abstinence from making messes" -- because everybody makes messes.
What are we trying to abstain from? ⭐ Recently, I read that specific Big Book passage in its original A.A. form. I began to contemplate how it related to my squalor issues. The light began to dawn. I decided to do an exercise for myself. I typed the passage out for myself, in its original A.A. form.
Then I worked on exactly what words to substitute. I worked slowly and methodically, trying out different wordings. Things finally became clearer. The above post was my result. ⭐ For ME, my "sobriety" would be ...
Abstinence from neglecting messes!I think it was realizing that " I'll stop drinking after 6 drinks" is like saying " I'll stop neglecting the mess after 6 days". " Having even one glass of beer" was like " neglecting even one mess".
My goal: Abstinence from neglecting messes.What does THAT mean? NEGLECT ... This is something I can grab onto. A tangible concept. I can MAKE a mess. I can LEAVE a tiny mess for a few minutes. But I cannot NEGLECT a mess for hours/days/weeks! As follows:
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Dec 7, 2009 19:08:17 GMT -5
- Abstinence from Neglecting any Mess
Part 3 of 5My goal: Abstinence from neglecting messes.I can MAKE a mess. I can LEAVE a tiny mess for a few minutes. But I cannot NEGLECT a mess for hours/days/weeks! EXAMPLES:  Abstinence from neglecting messes: I cannot neglect the food that I spilled on the floor.I can leave it there for a few minutes while I dash to answer the phone or help a crying child. But then I need to sweep/wipe it up within 15 minutes.  Abstinence from neglecting messes: I cannot neglect the moldy food in the refrigerator.I need to go through the refrigerator once a week and dump anything questionable. It's okay if I FIND moldy food, but not okay to NEGLECT it by shoving it back in the refrigerator.  Abstinence from neglecting messes: I cannot neglect the influx of incoming mail and bills to pay.I can put them in a designated tray on my desk, and leave them there for a few days. But I must attend to them on a scheduled basis and not neglect them.  Abstinence from neglecting messes: I cannot neglect bags of recently-purchased items.I cannot leave them in the car because I know I would forget them. I must bring them in the house as soon as I get home. Once I get inside my house, I may delay for a few minutes while I use the bathroom or get a glass of water. But then I must immediately do two things: 1) Make room in my house for the new purchases. If in maintenance: for every item I purchase, discard one item. If still desqualoring/dehoarding: for every item I purchase, discard at least two old items. 2) Put all the new purchases away. I cannot neglect this. Neglect rapidly leads to things being lost/ruined in piles.  Abstinence from neglecting messes: I cannot neglect the dirty laundry.I cannot leave it on the floor. I can leave in the hamper ... for a few days. But I cannot allow it to pile up. I need to do regular and frequent washing of laundry.  Abstinence from neglecting messes: I cannot neglect the piles of newly-clean laundry.I can leave it in the clothes dryer overnight. But I cannot leave it there forever. I can carry a pile of clean laundry to my bed and begin folding it there. I can leave my folding while I stop to make dinner. But then I need to resume folding right after dinner, and finish the job.  Abstinence from neglecting messes: I cannot neglect the large piles of folded clean laundry ... by leaving it on my bed all night long, or by shoving it onto the floor, or by tossing it back into the hamper, or by piling it onto the chair. That would be falling into the "do it later" trap. I need to put the clothes away!  Abstinence from neglecting messes: I cannot neglect the dirty dishes. I have to set a line that I dare not cross -- of the maximum number of hours I can leave dirty dishes. Maybe 2 hours? Some of you might be able to leave dirty dishes overnight, and still be able to deal with them effectively the next day. Not me. For me ... it would be WAY too easy to fall into the "do it later" trap.   Abstinence from neglecting messes: I cannot neglect repairs of broken things.*** For major problems with the roof or plumbing or electical wiring, I must phone for the repairperson to come as soon as possible. I can allow myself a short period of time to search for a person who does quality work at a reasonable price, but I must not delay further than that. Further delays would cause further damage to my home. *** For minor problems with small items, I must either repair the item within one week, or throw it away. Further delay would rapidly lead to piles of useless junk.  Abstinence from neglecting messes: I cannot neglect regular vacuuming.Without pets, I don't need to do it every day. With pets, I need to vacuum more frequently. Either way, I do need to vacuum on a regular basis. Neglect will allow dirt and dander to build up in the carpeting. Neglect would cause odors to build up.  Abstinence from neglecting messes: I cannot neglect cleaning the bathroom!It doesn't have to be perfect every day. Yet I cannot neglect regular care even if it "doesn't look dirty". Such neglect would allow it to become so bad that cleaning it would become frightening.  Abstinence from neglecting messes: I cannot neglect the cat's litterbox.I don't have to scoop it seven times a day. But I cannot slide into avoidance or delay to the point of neglect. I need to keep a regular schedule.  Abstinence from neglecting messes: I cannot neglect all the old boxes/piles of squalor from the past.I need to dedicate a reasonable amount of time each week towards working on the squalor "backlog". I don't have to do it perfectly. I don't have to do it all at once. But I cannot avoid it altogether! Avoidance rapidly leads to broken boxes and fallen piles.         Abstinence from neglecting messes: I cannot neglect any drain on my mind and body.I need REASONABLE standards of hygiene, health, and self-renewal. I don't have to do this perfectly. But I must have a line beyond which I will not cross. I must create a minimum amount of time per week/month that is dedicated to self-renewal. Otherwise, I will easily slide into my old habits of body odor, mental dysfunction, and low vitality.
- squalor = neglect
- abstinence from squaloring = abstinence from neglecting
Each of us is different. I can say only what is true for me. My goal: Abstinence from neglecting messes.I can MAKE a mess. I can LEAVE a tiny mess for a few minutes. But I cannot NEGLECT a mess for hours/days/weeks! Otherwise I fall into chaos. That's my truth. I suspect that each member of SOS will need to determine her/his own definition of abstinence from squaloring.
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Dec 7, 2009 19:10:37 GMT -5
- Abstinence from Neglecting any Mess
Part 4 of 5I think the difficulty for me will be setting the "line that cannot be crossed".
⭐ When does it become NEGLECT ?Here follow two examples:
How long can dirty dishes be left in the sink?What is "reasonable" ... before it turns into "neglect"?
What is the cut-off point before the "slippery slope" into squalor commences?
On a slow day?
Probably have dishes washed within an hour after eating.
During a chaotic hectic week?
Probably not longer than maybe 3 hours?
Can I ever leave the dishes overnight once ? Or will that rapidly lead into old patterns of neglect?
If there is a family emergency? Probably don't leave the dishes longer than two days.
How much time can elapse ... before I do another session of sorting through the "backlog" of old boxes of squalor?My priority has to be not adding to the current mess.
But I do need to set aside time each week to go through old boxes/piles/drawers/closets full of old squalor.
During quiet weeks?
Spend minimum of four hours per week on the "backlog" -- while continuing to expend maximum effort on maintaining the previously-desqualored areas.
During hectic chaotic weeks?
Spend at least one-half hour per week on the "backlog", to keep the momentum going -- while continuing to expend reasonable effort on maintaining the previously-desqualored areas.
During a family emergency?
Let the backlog go. Be happy if I can minimally maintain the already desqualored areas!
What happens if I'm sick?That depends on the illness.
I need to listen to my doctor
and
check in for a "reality check" with somebody in recovery.
It's all about priorities. Hard to determine. I'm thinking I need to create arbitrary limits for myself. And see how they work. I will need to keep in frequent regular contact with somebody -- a 12-Step sponsor or a "recovery buddy" ... - someone to check in with to see if I'm being too stringent with severe guidelines and if I need to loosen up a bit.
- someone to check in with when I want to change the guidelines to see if I'm just rationalizing avoidance.
Once I've had some practice with this, I should be able to determine what my "non-crossable deadlines" are for each area of the home. So... if I stick to my non-crossable deadlines,
I'll be "abstinent from neglecting messes".
I'll be "in maintenance".
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Dec 7, 2009 19:11:45 GMT -5
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Abstinence from Neglecting any Mess
Part 5 of 5
Now I know what I personally am seeking ...
"abstinence from neglecting messes".
It occurs to me that ... this is "maintenance".
This is ironic, as I still haven't desqualored yet.
Why the focus on maintenance before desqualoring?
Because ... one of my excuses for non desqualoring has been my "fear of the process of maintenance". I didn't think I was capable. And I thought it would be drudgery.
So ... I decided to really LOOK at maintenance, and UNDERSTAND what it would be for me, so that I could face it and accept it.
Once I understand what maintenance is and how it works, I won't fear it anymore.
And then my last excuse for squalor will be gone.
One big thing I need to face and accept:
TIME.
If I abstain from neglecting mess, then I am actively clearing up the mess.
And ... that means that I need to re-prioritize my life.
I need to retrain my brain ... to stop and clean up the spilled milk.
I need to retrain my brain ... to set aside time for billpaying.
I need to retrain my brain ... to set aside time to wash the dishes.
I need to retrain my brain ... to set aside time to sort through old boxes of junk.
There are only 24 hours in a day, and 7 days in a week.
I need time for working as an employee at a job.
I need time for caring for my pets.
I need time for health, food, and sleep.
I need time for self-renewal.
Yet ... I need to retrain my brain ... to MAKE the TIME to deal with messes in a timely fashion.
This ... will be a challenge.
Some SOS members already know all this.
Most "normal" people already know all this.
I suppose this is why certain cleaning and organizing websites suggest scheduling homemaking tasks, so that they are never neglected. I always resisted such websites because they seemed rigid and totally unrealistic. And they were written by people who had very different lifestyles than my own.
It would seem that I had to walk myself through this ... by writing this thread ... to tell myself the process I need to use.
It will be my own process.
I needed to write it out for myself, in order to see it.
It's NOT "never making a mess".
It's "Abstaining from neglecting the mess".
The opposite of "neglect" is "care".
I will choose to dedicate some time to "care" for my home.
I had been afraid of dedicating time to my home. I wanted my freedom.
But ... squalor has been a prison.
Squalor has kept me from the life I want.
Too much time wasted by living life inefficiently.
It seems that if I dedicate the right amount of time each day to CARING for (instead of neglecting) my home ... I will find MORE free time for myself!
Once I work on this ... (along with my own personal spiritual disciplines which I won't discuss here) ... I will have released some behavior patterns that have long imprisoned me.
I will be finding my way as a "grown-up" with serenity -- having released my old neglectful, stuck, and selfish way of life.
Perhaps I too ... will experience something as mentioned in the book quote. I shall find much of heaven and be rocketed into an existence of which I have not yet dreamed. I too shall find experiences which will revolutionize my whole attitude toward life, toward other humans, and toward the universe. I shall find miracles.
It sounds extravagantly and loftily worded. But why not hope for joy? I need freedom from a life of squalor.
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Dec 7, 2009 19:13:06 GMT -5
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What do you think?
Feedback welcome.
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Post by midlife on Dec 7, 2009 20:57:47 GMT -5
I don't know that I can easily articulate the thoughts I had in response to these posts, but believe me, it was definitely thought-provoking! Thanks for posting this.
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Post by Serendipity on Dec 7, 2009 21:07:46 GMT -5
i like how you have laid out your thought processes CL.When you
laid out all the things to maintain, there really is alot to keeping up maintenance as in so may things to maintain. retraining my brain not to neglect things as they happen like the spills on the floor or putting the groceries away or clearing out to make room for more. It is all interconnected and my patterns of neglect have become ingrained but i think patterns of care can be ingrained and become almost automatic and reassuring.I miss the feeling I had when I took care of myself and my home. I miss feeling comfort and nurtured and relaxed. I can never feel relaxed when I know this mess is waiting for me. It causes me great stress everyday.I have been depressed and for many days I have not washed any dishes. My mind now thinks "how can i work around this?" instead of changing. I think i will start cleaning when i feel better, that is my" i'll stop drinking when" equivalent. Thanks for all your insights. I am going to take your idea of making guidelines reasonable and start thinking about that.
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Post by Serendipity on Dec 7, 2009 21:12:43 GMT -5
CourageouslyLion_SeeksSerenity says:
I wish for you miracles and joy! I am not eloquent so this only expresses a fraction of my thoughts.
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Post by Bizzy on Dec 7, 2009 21:52:10 GMT -5
Wowsa Lioness! You amaze me.  This is really interesting....... It is "inspirational". There are so many things I could comment on - was excited or disturbed by-- but I can't remember what they are now and I would forget what I was looking for if I went back up and tried to read again so I could write! But suffice it to say- I got some big ah ha!'s from this project of yours. I like the definition of absistinecne being " not neglecting", And the idea of "caring" for my home. And this really struck a chord in me!--( I cant do quotes yet)
"It occurs to me that ... this is "maintenance".
This is ironic, as I still haven't desqualored yet.
Why the focus on maintenance before desqualoring?
Because ... one of my excuses for non desqualoring has been my "fear of the process of maintenance". I didn't think I was capable. And I thought it would be drudgery.
So ... I decided to really LOOK at maintenance, and UNDERSTAND what it would be for me, so that I could face it and accept it.
Once I understand what maintenance is and how it works, I won't fear it anymore.
And then my last excuse for squalor will be gone."You gave me much food for thought. I will be chewing on this for a while Lioness. Thanks so much for this amazing amount of work, thought and caring. You are such a smarty pants.  Bizzy |
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Post by littleengine on Dec 7, 2009 21:58:37 GMT -5
I think what you're doing is great. I'd be very cautious, though, when making rules about what constitutes "neglect." You're right about the need to retrain your brain, but I think some of the examples you gave would not work for me at least (maybe for you they would). Like needing to wipe up kitchen spills within 15 minutes...sometimes, with the best intentions in the world, my kids and other obligations make it impossible to do that. A kitchen spill can stay there from breakfast time until the evening and not be "neglecting," if you've been busy with other, more pressing obligations. Your laundry examples, too, would be too hard for me to follow (again, though, they're *your* examples and maybe would work well for you). If you fail to meet the time limits you've set for yourself, then you might give up altogether. I fight this in myself all the time. I'm trying to pull myself out of a rough patch right now because of something similar that happened last week. It's hard to know exactly where to draw the line. If you're too strict with yourself, you may give up after a "failure" to meet the rules. If you're too lenient with yourself, then it's too easy to slip back into squalor without noticing. I know how hard it is to figure this all out; I sure haven't yet.... Thanks for posting, because you really helped me see what I've been struggling with since last week. I lost momentum because of external events that were out of my control, but I saw it as a failure in myself and wanted to give up. I'm going to go tackle the dishes now--THANK YOU!  |
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Post by Celeste on Dec 7, 2009 22:00:54 GMT -5
Thought provoking, Lion. Good post.
I think one of the things that is easy to forget is that once something becomes a habit or a routine, it becomes so easy that you cease to even realize you are doing it.
Remember when you were first learning to drive? Keeping track of all the sensory input: how to handle the steering wheel, how firmly to apply the brake, when to shift gears, tracking traffic, reading signs, eying pedestrians, gauging stoplights, making lane changes, hunting for parking spots, watching for merging traffic, and following directions. It was pretty overwhelming. As we got used to driving it got easier. Now trips we make frequently are so routine we don't even have to think about the steps it takes to drive safely.
Maintenance is a little like that. For a while it will take a concentrated effort to remember to do it. Eventually, however, we don't have to work our way through the steps. We just do it. We don't even realize what we are doing.
Another easily forgotten detail: It is easier to clean things that are in maintenance. Dust, grime, etc, isn't so built up on surfaces and it takes less effort for deep cleaning. Swish and swipe takes care of messes, for the most part. Chores that used to take twenty minutes or more take less than five.
Success sets you up for more success. You CAN maintain, Lion. Honest!
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Post by larrydogsmom on Dec 7, 2009 22:21:36 GMT -5
Thank you for the wonderful post! I could see myself throughout the thread and am inspired to start putting the 'backlog' into my weekly routine (if you can call it a routine) instead of waiting for the magical someday while I work on the rest of the house.
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Post by yearning4order on Dec 8, 2009 0:59:04 GMT -5
Wow Lioness, I very much like this and it's quite thought provoking. What is fascinating to me is that I'm not sure how I would have responded to it when I first got here, versus now when there is some level of maintenance occurring (not perfectly, but starting) and my biggest issue was dealing with the mean bully in my head that would constantly assault me any time I tried to clean something.
Within a few months of arriving here I hit a bottom with my gaming, and quit, and worked steps on this with my AA sponsor. Like it says in the Big Book, we don't shun other ways of helping ourselves when it seems indicated. The step work is always very powerful for me, but it was something really different that I needed here, and I couldn't deal with the idea of some sort of abstinence from another process when I was grappling with way too much self-hatred preventing me from getting started in the first place.
That isn't to say this is not useful--but my perspective a few months into this, with some cleanliness in the house, and some other things that need cleaning is wondering how to use this now.
I've talked with folks in Overeaters Anonymous about how they develop their food plan, and when it was described to me, apparently folks will "sample" a small quantity of a suspect trigger food and notice the effect of this. What you have described in regards to maintenance and abstinence from neglect sounds very much similar--it just sounds like you've already identified your triggers.
I hope to be able to adapt and use some of this without turning it into another billy club way of beating myself back into squalor. But I like the idea that there are reasonable time periods for each of us, within which we want to take care of certain things.
One interesting and unexpected thing out of all this--the encouragement and support I've gotten here in dealing with my squalor has changed many things in my life, in conjunction with my AA step work. The negative voice in my head doesn't chatter at me quite as much. I'm also finding myself a little less emotionally fragile. And I'm starting to feel the difference between when I've created chaos in my life, and when I"m doing things that keep chaos at bay.
6 months I would have been far too paranoid to come to the chat group talking about not knowing how to help my daughter clean her room, for fear of what she would think of me as an adult needing this to clean the house, that she would tell her dad and he would call the authorities on me (and today if they visit they will find a house well within reasonable limits, including some clean rooms), on and on and it would have been impossible and I would have been overwhelmed.
But because that chatter in my head is somewhat quieter, and because I don't have that terrible fragility--it was totally safe to just tell her, "OK I'm stumped, we're going to get help from my cleaning group." And then we made more progress in 30 minutes than we have in 3 months!
As the house gets cleaned up, and the stuff in my life slowly gets dealt with (hello financial disarray, you are the next big task before me--going to file 2 years of back taxes tomorrow, woohoo!) I'm finally able to entertain some other ideas, like maybe I could possibly finish school and get a better job. Maybe I'm not too broken to date; maybe I'm disinterested cause I'm too busy and I don't really want to be distracted.
The effect of moving around all that junk is huge--and I have a long ways to go.
Lioness thank you so much for this incredibly thought provoking post. I look forward to trying to utilize the ideas of a maintenance plan (the anti-neglect plan) and seeing if I can begin working with it without bringing up the negative chattering mind again.
I also want to state too--I couldn't have done this without some suggestions about how to work with this on a spiritual level. I won't go into it, but my gratitude runs very deep, not just for the folks here who have helped me so much, but also to that whole spiritual thing that helps me along too.
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Post by breakingfree on Dec 8, 2009 9:53:20 GMT -5
Lioness,
What an amazing, intelligent, articulate writer you are! Have you considered writing a book? Seriously. I believe you could help so many people with your insight.
Obviously, different things work for different people, but speaking for myself, this makes perfect sense. I believe others out "in the real world" would greatly benefit from your wisdom.
Thank you for such an insightful, thought-provoking post.
BF
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