journeymom
New Member
Joined: March 2013
Posts: 11
|
Post by journeymom on Mar 28, 2013 19:16:30 GMT -5
I've noticed the AA similarities as well, and I've been slowly ambling my way towards abstaining from neglect. Haven't taken the plunge yet, but my hunch is that it will be a big help. I really don't think I can make new patterns without having an all-or-nothing attitude.
And I don't know how to explain this but I'm aware that I'll STILL fall off the wagon, even with a huge commitment to abstaining -and I'm okay with it. I know what people mean by being alarmed by the concept here. Everyone needs to find their own way and their own vocabulary.
I know what it is: I'm raising expectations for myself for the first time in a long time. At the same time I'm getting better at not beating myself up or falling apart. I know I'm going to mess up. That's okay, I'm still abstaining.
|
|
|
|
Post by Turkey-Lurky on Dec 6, 2013 14:17:51 GMT -5
Dear Lioness,
I need to tell you that you are an amazing writer. Your thoughts are clear, thought-provoking, and very deep. You have something very valuable to say.
i am a complete stranger. I'm rather desperate. I've searched for your specific posts on this site because, although not dealing with squalor (per-se,) as a victim of childhood neglect I deal with the same thought patterns that provoke squalor and other problems- and I battle constantly against developing this squalor. I have some success, but only through grace. I just want to thank you for naming things- for articulating things. Naming things has such a power. You are very gifted at this naming of things. Thank you for not hiding your light under a bushel basket.
There are probably lots of people "out there" who find hope and relief in what you have posted. Well- there is one person, at least, who has. Me.
Gratefully,
Turkey-Lurky
|
|
|
|
Post by Jannie on Sept 18, 2014 7:28:45 GMT -5
It's been nearly 5 years since the last post here. I re-read everything and it's all great advice. I think I'll add my own positive suggestions. Start with "The Three D's- dinner, dishes, duds. That means- shop for , prepare, eat and clean up healthy meals for yourself, Do The Dishes, and Do The Laundry. I'll throw in- keep garbage out of your home. Take out trash, empty wastebaskets, etc. And once you get in a comfortable routine, do a little de-cluttering. Rome wasn't built in a day and a home won't be clean in one day either.
|
|
|
|
Post by creativechaos on Feb 5, 2015 18:55:48 GMT -5
This thread is being bumped because this thread is one of those that is universally helpful. It helps me, and it may help others who are new or returning and overwhelmed with the magnitude of it all. Not only is it one the most helpful and detailed thought processes about how small neglects add up to squalor: it also helps inspire ways to make an action plan for DEsqualoring and maintaining. 'Course, "recovery," for me, also entails getting the hoarding under control and tamping down the acquisitions so that more things WILL go out than come in, and maintenance will become possible.
Thank you Lioness for your brilliance and insight. The whole thread is worth reading because there are many good add ons, such as Jannie's, above.
luv, cc
|
|
|
|
Post by peaceandfreedom on Jul 15, 2015 19:34:29 GMT -5
Lioness, thank you. Your post ( and this entire thread) really resonates for me.
I am am a newcomer here (just joined the site a few days ago) but I am READY to move forward.
First, the name. "Squalor." Ugh! It is repulsive. But, so apt and descriptive. Not a word I would have ever chosen to use in connection with myself. But, I have to admit, it is also motivating. So, a very good choice for whoever came up with it! I'm one of you.
I read this entire thread in last couple of days after someone recommended it to me in the introductions section. I Printed out page 1 so I can study it in more depth than (for me) a screen version allows. Already, it has made me aware of messes. Have stopped several times today to clean up a few of them (not new ones) that I would have ignored a few short days ago. Also loved the idea about doing maintenance along with making time for working on the backlog.
This is morning I was in the bathroom getting ready to go somewhere. Noticed that the window was grubby and especially on the grooves around it. (It slides sideways to open.) i looked at the clock-- I had about 15" till I had to leave. Grabbed some cleaner and q-tips and went to work on cleaning those yucky grooves and also the glass and windowsill. It is so clean that it just sparkles now! It just lifts my heart to go in there and see it like that. And-----now I already have something to maintain in my new program!!! I call that a success!
Now, I want to get the rest of the bathroom cleaned as well this evening. I guess that's how momentum always builds. Many times in the past I have experienced something similar, but my bad habits always sabotaged me. Just haven't been momentum-ing for awhile. Now, with support from you, I want to keep myself on track. Thanks again.
|
|
|
|
Post by renewal on Jul 23, 2015 18:42:19 GMT -5
I got up and moved just by readying part one, thanks for posting.
|
|
|
|
Post by Serendipity on Sept 11, 2015 3:59:46 GMT -5
|
|
|
|
Post by Ally on Apr 22, 2017 17:50:10 GMT -5
I'm revisiting this thread. I'm not sure where this belongs, but since this thread references addiction, I decided to add it here. Yesterday I attended a professional conference where one of the topics was tobacco dependence. The speaker's name was Frank T. Leone, MD, MS, FCCP. He is a pulmonologist at the University of Pennsylvania. He was talking about the rational and irrational thought processes that we all have, but specifically smokers. He talked about how most smokers want to quit. He also talked about how difficult it is for most smokers to quit; How smokers begin to panic at the thought of quitting smoking. Here is an article he wrote: www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3375065/ He talked about asking our patients questions about their smoking, why they smoke, what do they feel would be most difficult about not smoking... I wish I had taken more notes. When we were leaving at the end of the day, I was talking to my friend about a problem with a person in my life, and she said that we could apply the same techniques that they doctor spoke about to other problems. Today while facing the resistance about cleaning my room, I realized that some of this topic applied to my home, to my mess. I've never struggled with tobacco, alcohol, or drug addiction, but I'm addicted to all of my worthless stuff. The speaker talked about how smoking provides a sense of safety and security to smokers. Somehow, all of my clutter makes me feel secure, or at least the fear of losing it all makes me feel insecure. In truth the clutter makes me less safe and less secure. (The same could be said about smoking.) If someone came into my house and started throwing stuff away, I would go into total panic mode. Over my past several years here, I have come to realize that most of the stuff I hold on is totally worthless. There are a few things in this house that I view as valuable, but I have no idea where they even are! I think stating my fears out-loud is important. I think taking baby steps is important. It's time to keep moving forward. Thanks to all of you for being here. |
|
|
|
Post by NewLifeToday on Aug 21, 2020 9:25:17 GMT -5
I'm glad to find this thread again.  I've been thinking about how a squalorous mindset affects any area of life: relating to self, others, things, and circumstances. A few things that come to mind just now: Abstaining from squaloring my thoughts, the way I think about people, situations, or activities. Abstaining from neglecting or avoiding doing things which, do, actually help my life. Neglecting abstinence is a choice. Before anything worsens, I can make a de-squaloring choice, a step for cleaner, kinder, wiser, -- whatever might be needed. It is always a help and support to find others thinking about these principles and choosing to live by them, too. Thank you to everyone for writing of your thoughts and experiences of abstaining from neglect.... |
|
|
|
Post by Ally on Aug 23, 2020 16:01:45 GMT -5
NewLifeToday, Thank you for "bumping" this thread It's interesting to look at things I wrote 8 years ago.I struggle with the same things now as I did 8 years ago. It's a bit easier to throw things out than it used to be, but it's still a struggle.
|
|
|
|
Post by NewLifeToday on Aug 23, 2020 16:48:43 GMT -5
Ally I'm glad you find it easier to throw things out. I notice that the things I struggle with seem to be life themes with variations. I'm getting better at tossing, too. Abstaining from neglect is crucial. Thanks for writing about it so well.
|
|
|
|
Post by desertmoon on May 30, 2021 19:16:50 GMT -5
This is very helpful, thank you for making this thread. I'm 4 years sober from alcohol and quit a pack a day cigarette habit several years ago too. I've done a lot of recovery research (and am even getting certified to work with addicts), but was struggling to understand how this issue fits into the addiction model.
There's a saying among alcoholics that it's the first drink that does the damage, not the 10th or whichever occurs at the height of the madness. If I apply this to the first neglected dirty dish, empty can/packaging, pile of dirty clothes, etc... that completely makes sense to me. Drinking/smoking is an action, whereas squalor seems to be the result of non-action. But abstaining from neglect of any mess is something I can definitely wrap my mind around.
|
|
|
|
Post by NewLifeToday on May 31, 2021 6:32:05 GMT -5
This is very helpful, thank you for making this thread. I'm 4 years sober from alcohol and quit a pack a day cigarette habit several years ago too. I've done a lot of recovery research (and am even getting certified to work with addicts), but was struggling to understand how this issue fits into the addiction model. There's a saying among alcoholics that it's the first drink that does the damage, not the 10th or whichever occurs at the height of the madness. If I apply this to the first neglected dirty dish, empty can/packaging, pile of dirty clothes, etc... that completely makes sense to me. Drinking/smoking is an action, whereas squalor seems to be the result of non-action. But abstaining from neglect of any mess is something I can definitely wrap my mind around. Hi desertmoon . I, too, think it applies to the first piece of trash, etc.
For me, I also need to abstain from getting tangled up in the emotional reactions that trap me in feeling helpless, or thinking that a situation is hopeless, or that a circumstance or person has power to harm me.
Neglecting my household responsibilities is the fruit of my not abstaining from emotional entanglement, and neglecting to do what I can do to help myself.
Congrats to you on your victories in abstinence. 
|
|
