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Post by Admin on Jul 1, 2009 2:14:06 GMT -5
Dear SooS members and friends;
Recently, there were occurences in chat that were distubing to some members: we understand that sexually explicit links were posted, plus there was ongoing dialogue on sexual conduct and preferences. These chat incidents were brought to the attention of the moderators by different members.
The moderators are concerned, but are somewhat perplexed about how we should handle such incidents. Why are we concerned? Not because we wish to act as censors. Who has time to play Big Brother (or Sister)? We are concerned for one very important reason:
Our "stepping out of squalor" community is part of ProBoards. They have a Terms Of Service provision which bars subject matter of that sort: in effect, they wish to insure that all material meets a PG-13 standard. If ProBoards gets a report that lewd talk is taking place in a chat room attached to one of their boards (us), they could take us down without prior warning or recourse.
Above and beyond the policy of ProBoard, we collectively might remember the PURPOSE stated on our community policy board;
Purpose: We are here to share ideas and support as we work to improve our living environments.
If we work from this statement, we can then deduce that certain 'hot topics' are by their very nature not supportive or helpful of a community such as ours, which includes all ages, situations and beliefs. These 'hot topics' include, but are not limited to:
*explicit adult content *racist, religious, political slurs *inflamatory remarks
Many people (the moderators; original founders; all posters) have worked very hard to establish this group as welcoming and supportive. It would be a shame, if not a tragedy, if our community were threatened because of unsuitable material contributed by a tiny minority of members.
The mods are grateful that these lapses of taste and judgement have been brought to our attention. NOW.....what should we do about this?
We invite comments, either as replies to this thread, or as personal messages to the mods individually or collectively.
Thank you for taking the time to think about and reply to this matter. This message will be posted on all the boards, but for simplicity's sake, replies to this thread are being accepted on the GENERAL BOARD only.
Sincerely the Moderators of SooS
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Post by bigtimetroubles on Jul 1, 2009 4:07:24 GMT -5
being one of the few male members of SooS I have got to ask if my flirtations are out of line when done with fun and fellowship and not in sexually specific terms or attempts to gain sexual content out of these flirtations. I consider flirtations fun and stimulating for myself to "imagine" only I fear that now it might be considered stepping over a fine line. I just feel if it is kept PG-13 it can be fun to flirt. I hope to hear more about this as I would not want to jeopardize this board or its users common purpose. hugs bigtimetroubles
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Post by Script on Jul 1, 2009 6:54:20 GMT -5
I just feel if it is kept PG-13 it can be fun to flirt. I hope to hear more about this as I would not want to jeopardize this board or its users common purpose. Dear Mr. Big: Of course flirting is fun; no one on the mod team wants to ban flirting. H*LL: my own DearHubby is the Flirt King of our street! Example of PG13 flirts: "Boy it sure is fun to 'play house' with a gorgeous gal-pal like you. I'm sending a big cyber-hug: now let's get back to work, cutie pie" Example of NOT OK flirts: "Hey, anyone wanna see a picture of me vacuuming my bedroom in my underwear?" enuff said.....
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Post by comingclean on Jul 1, 2009 7:04:00 GMT -5
Example of NOT OK flirts: "Hey, anyone wanna see a picture of me vacuuming my bedroom in my underwear?"
ROFL, that would be a quick way for me to clear chat out!
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Post by christmasshopper on Jul 1, 2009 7:43:48 GMT -5
I'd need a wide angle lens.
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Jul 1, 2009 8:09:24 GMT -5
I just feel if it is kept PG-13 it can be fun to flirt. I hope to hear more about this as I would not want to jeopardize this board or its users common purpose. I have received PM's from other chatters who said they didn't want to be flirted with at all. Never ever in chat. I told them to please not tell me, but instead tell the person who was bothering them. They replied that they felt too insecure or intimidated to do that. I didn't do anything further about it. BigTime, if you are flirting, and some of the chatters are laughing and kidding around with you, please don't assume that everyone there is enjoying it. Sometimes it's best to err on the side of caution. I do know that if you had flirted with me, I would have told you to STOP. What not be our brother? It would be nice if you were our brother in the chatroom. Of course flirting is fun; no one on the mod team wants to ban flirting.
Example of PG13 flirts: "Boy it sure is fun to 'play house' with a gorgeous gal-pal like you. I'm sending a big cyber-hug: now let's get back to work, cutie pie" Actually, Script, I wouldn't want PG-13 flirting, either. NOTE: In this case, I am speaking only for myself.I don't want to have to fend off flirting comments. I have no way of knowing if someone is "really" flirting with me or just kidding around. Furthermore, I've dealt with intense sexual harrassment situations in the past. Quite upsetting. Mild flirting tends to re-trigger those memories. Even if it's not me being flirted with. Sometimes just *observing* other interactions in chat will trigger those memories. I don't want to have to deal with the emotional process of reliving those memories, then reminding myself that the current situation might not be the same, then trying to calm down, etc. It's very tiring. I would much rather spend my time cleaning than dealing with all that. And you KNOW that I would usually prefer NOT to clean. I want to go into chat for brotherhood and sisterhood. That's how I feel. Thanks for listening. -
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Post by Script on Jul 1, 2009 8:32:29 GMT -5
I told them to please not tell me, but instead tell the person who was bothering them. They replied that they felt too insecure or intimidated to do that. I didn't do anything further about it. at any given time, there can be people in the chat room, AS IN REAL LIFE, in wildly different moods and temperaments. There are people who are High, Low, Up, Down, Happy, Sad. I am sure there are alsoo people who have chatted when a bit drunk and also when far too sober. And a big etc. There is no way that the content or even the style of posting can be helpful to each and every member at every single moment of the day, 24/7, 365 days of the year. If members do not speak up themselves and do not notify moderators, there is in fact nothing much that anyone can do. At the same time, PG13 in our current society allows for quite a bit of latitude. All we can do is assume that people use some common sense. Over the years, members have discussed quite calmly various personal issues such as marital intimacy, sexual health, relationship quandries, and so on. Any attempt to be too SPECIFIC about our rules concerning 'adult content' might also discourage healthy conversation in areas that obviously interest us as a group. Furthermore, each individual has different boundaries for 'teasing, flirting, constructive criticism'. I am one of the delicate flowers who becomes hugely nervous when teased. Flirting, on the other hand, doesn't bother me a bit. How far do we as a group want to go in establishing boundaries in our discussions? I encourage us to keep up this dialogue as we have much to learn from each other. thank you to all who are posting and reading here.
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Post by eagle on Jul 1, 2009 8:33:17 GMT -5
I just feel if it is kept PG-13 it can be fun to flirt. I hope to hear more about this as I would not want to jeopardize this board or its users common purpose. I have received PM's from other chatters who said they didn't want to be flirted with at all. Never ever in chat. I told them to please not tell me, but instead tell the person who was bothering them. They replied that they felt too insecure or intimidated to do that. I didn't do anything further about it. BigTime, if you are flirting, and some of the chatters are laughing and kidding around with you, please don't assume that everyone there is enjoying it. Sometimes it's best to err on the side of caution. I do know that if you had flirted with me, I would have told you to STOP. What not be our brother? It would be nice to if you were our brother in the chatroom. Of course flirting is fun; no one on the mod team wants to ban flirting.
Example of PG13 flirts: "Boy it sure is fun to 'play house' with a gorgeous gal-pal like you. I'm sending a big cyber-hug: now let's get back to work, cutie pie" Actually, Script, I wouldn't want PG-13 flirting, either. NOTE: In this case, I am speaking only for myself.I don't want to have to fend off flirting comments. I have no way of knowing if someone is "really" flirting with me or just kidding around. Furthermore, I've dealt with intense sexual harrassment situations in the past. Quite upsetting. Mild flirting tends to re-trigger those memories. Even if it's not me being flirted with. Sometimes just *observing* other interactions in chat will trigger those memories. I don't want to have to deal with the emotional process of reliving those memories, then reminding myself that the current situation might not be the same, then trying to calm down, etc. It's very tiring. I would much rather spend my time cleaning than dealing with all that. And you KNOW that I would usually prefer NOT to clean. I want to go into chat for brotherhood and sisterhood. That's how I feel. Thanks for listening. - Thank you for having the courage to voice this Lioness. I know there are several folks here with sexual abuse issues in their pasts, and I would agree with you that sometimes even innocent flirting can be uncomfortable. We are all at different levels of progress in our recoveries from that, therefore it is best to be cautious, kind and respectful.
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Jul 1, 2009 8:40:05 GMT -5
These chat incidents were brought to the attention of the moderators by different members. For the record, I want the chatters to know that I myself said nothing to the mods. I have felt upset for some time. But I never said anything. I just want the other chatters to know that I didn't say anything to the mods. Eventually (recently), I said something directly to the other chatters. Not everyone listened to me. A few chatters indicated that I was making a big deal out of nothing. Or that I wanted to curb everyone's enjoyment of chat. Or that if I was bothered, I needed to get over myself. It seemed I was perceived as being a party pooper. Other chatters said: "We didn't know you felt that way. We will continue discussing such things, but will stop if you are in the room." I didn't tell the mods anything. From what Script says, OTHER people have complained to the mods. So it isn't just me who feels bothered. I don't think that "hushing when Lioness is in the room" solves anything. There may be people who feel uncomfortable, who feel too shy to speak up. Editing to Clarify: I did ONCE report a chat incident to the mods. That was ELEVEN MONTHS AGO. I've said nothing since then. -
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Post by Script on Jul 1, 2009 8:52:11 GMT -5
Other chatters said: "We didn't know you felt that way. We will continue discussing such things, but will stop if you are in the room." I didn't tell the mods anything. A reminder: the mods are concerned about anything on SooS that could be construed by ProBoards as inappropriate: as in 'adult content'. Whether or not an individual member enjoys this material is irrelevant. There are places on the web that are happy to host adult pictures, discussions, links, whatever. ProBoards is not. On the other hand, ProBoards has no interest whatsoever in kindness, mutual support, respect, good manners. BUT WE at SooS DO! Members have been reprimanded or banned for poor behaviour that has nothing to do with 'adult content'.
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Jul 1, 2009 8:53:01 GMT -5
- Over the years, members have discussed quite calmly various personal issues such as marital intimacy, sexual health, relationship quandries, and so on. Any attempt to be too SPECIFIC about our rules concerning 'adult content' might also discourage healthy conversation in areas that obviously interest us as a group. I agree with this. I certainly don't want to stop such discussions. Sexuality is part of life, and it's supposed to be healthy. I think that it's okay to discuss any of those things in the CONTEXT of telling one's personal story. In fact, such discussions can be healing. However, it seems to cross a line when it gets to the point of constant bawdy humor. -
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Jul 1, 2009 9:16:09 GMT -5
- Furthermore, each individual has different boundaries for 'teasing, flirting, constructive criticism'. I am one of the delicate flowers who becomes hugely nervous when teased. Flirting, on the other hand, doesn't bother me a bit. Regarding "teasing". Any kind of teasing, sexual or not. I, too, am one of the delicate flowers who becomes hugely nervous when teased. I have observed lots of teasing in chat. I don't know how the recipients felt about it. I do know that if I had been the recipient of teasing, I'd have been very upset. Some people feel that teasing is healthy. Others feel that teasing is abusive. It's true that we all have different boundaries with this. I think teasing someone about their sexuality is NEVER okay.
Period.Regarding teasing about non-sexual topics:Many of us have had backgrounds of childhoods or marriages where we were teased and berated constantly. In such cases, teasing tends to trigger those feelings of poor self-esteem. I think the issue to say STOP when it bothers you. And if you are the teaser, please stop when you're asked to stop! A good rule of thumb would be to NOT assume that other people enjoy teasing. If you feel you know someone well, and there's some rapport, you might tease them once or twice, but then STOP. Once or twice might be okay. But then STOP. Even if they seem to laugh. Please don't keep on continuously teasing somebody about the same thing for weeks or months! Just a suggestion. Not something that could be made into a "rule". -
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Post by 60isolderthanithot on Jul 1, 2009 9:27:14 GMT -5
I don't go into Chat so I didn't see it but I've seen other boards change in unwanted ways from the introduction of sexual undertones to mainstream conversations. Flirting is a sexual overture and most women learn that before the age of consent. It's a social manipulation, there's nothing especially neutral about it. Research shows repeatedly that online message boards often lose women's participation when they feel the intrusion of unwanted sexual gestures by men. If bored housewives or happy singles want a place to play at online sex, there are plenty of spaces out there, I don't see the need to dilute the focus of this board.
If people want to make explicit remarks, perhaps the standing suggestion should be that they go into Private chat.
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Post by howardsgirlfriend on Jul 1, 2009 9:38:30 GMT -5
I can't Chat, so I haven't witnessed the content in question, but if I have said something offensive or made someone uncomfortable, I would want to know. I would like to believe that the members whose posts I have read would also want to know if they had made someone uncomfortable.
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Jul 1, 2009 9:46:50 GMT -5
If people want to make explicit remarks, perhaps the standing suggestion should be that they go into Private chat. Question for the mods: Does Proboards allow explicit sexual content in private chat? -
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