|
Post by morningglory on Jun 7, 2009 11:59:59 GMT -5
OK. My in-laws have not once come to visit us in the almost 9 years we've lived in this house. They have never even met our youngest child (who is now 8 years old), and have only met the others once or twice.
However, they are now planning a trip to be at a life-cycle event of one of our kids (for the first time). We are, of course, very much looking forward to seeing them, as are the children. But, of course, my house is not in presentable condition, due both to mess and disrepair.
My MIL is the one who a couple of years ago when I lamented to her that it was difficult having to live with the state of things (like no running water in bathroom sink, garage door that will not open, unusable basement bathroom so that all 8 of us share 1 bathroom, etc.), she brushed it off with, "Oh, yes, I've had to go through things like that, too, waiting to make improvements on my house." I was flabbergasted by that because she has never had to live like this, and the type of "improvements" she is talking about have to do with changing the color of the walls or building an addition. (I discussed it with y'all at the time, which was very helpful in processing my reaction.)
Anyway, I know for sure I won't be able to correct everything before they get here. I will, with the help of Heaven, be able to get the mess to a semi-ok level, even if it just means dash-and-stash for some of it, in addition to weeks of scrubbing and cleaning. But I won't be able to get any of the repairs done.
So I warned them about the water in the bathroom sink and about the fact that many of the walls need repainting (again, what that means to her may be something quite different from the reality).
They had already intended to stay in a hotel, so that is not an issue, thankfully. But still, I want it to be as non-objectionable as possible.
So I plan to post here as I make progress over the next few weeks, because y'all are an encouragement and support to me.
So far today, I have put away several baskets of laundry in the living room, done 2 loads of dishes, picked up various pieces of trash from the floor. I am still working.
Morning Glory
|
|
|
Post by houseworkhater on Jun 7, 2009 13:20:55 GMT -5
I wish you much luck...but where is your husband in all this? Is he planning to help? If you have 8 people around, can they help? It sounds very much like you are all alone in this effort. Activate the troops!!!
|
|
keriamon
New Member
Joined: June 2009
Posts: 61
|
Post by keriamon on Jun 7, 2009 14:35:58 GMT -5
Yes, with kids that old, they can help clean too. Just be sure to praise them and reward them regularly. Also, group activities seem to be better for most kids, so do things as a group. "When we get this kitchen clean, we'll all go to MacDonald's for an ice cream." It's harder to get distracted or shirk when participating in a group activity. Something I read on FlyLady to get kids to having fun cleaning is to let them put on old socks and wet the floor and let them mop the floor by skating around on it. (They can also put socks on their hands and wipe down dirty walls.) Or let them put on bathing suits, give them some warm soapy water and let them go at the floors (or bathrooms). You can also play fire drill when unloading the dishwasher, handing dishes off from one person to the next until they make it to the cabinet and get put away. You can play the same game putting dishes in. Or if you've got a pile of dirty laundry, let the kids sort it into piles/baskets by throwing it like a basketball. Give points for hits or near hits, and whoever wins gets whatever change comes out in the washing machine. Or have races to see who can pick up the most trash or find the most stuff to give away in a certain amount of time, with some sort of treat for a reward (stickers or small toy or candy). Even most teens will get into the spirit because they're competitive and like treats too. You might also make a list of things you want to get done, in order of priority (most important things to do at the top). As things get done, let one of the kids put a sticker next to it (remember those star stickers from school?) to show completion. Hang it on the fridge or anywhere else you and everyone else can see it. You all can see the happy stickers marking your progress through the house. You might also want to put the number of days until Nana and Pa-paw's visit on it and mark the days off, to give everyone a sense of urgency. If you make it fun, you should be able to get your kids to help, and the time wasted having fun will be made up by the fact that a lot of people are doing the work. They might also motivate you to stay clean. We had friends who used to keep a neice, and they said the little girl loved to wash dishes with them, and they couldn't get done with dinner, but she wanted to wash the dishes. So they never went to bed with dirty dishes because she wouldn't let them! Very best luck in getting it improved! Do your best and leave the rest. Maybe you'll luck out and your MIL will volunteer to paint some of your rooms! I better go do some laundry myself; I have no clean underwear!
|
|
|
Post by morningglory on Jun 7, 2009 15:51:24 GMT -5
Thanks so much for the encouragement. It's true I'm not likely to get very much actual cleaning help from my husband. He will probably get a little mobilized as he sees progress I (or the kids and I) are making, but in general his job and other stress keep him pretty tired out. Plus, he will be away during one of the weeks.
Yes, I do get some help from the kids. (Thanks for all the great suggestions for getting them involved!) But I can't count on them for LOTS of help, because it often takes me more time and effort to enlist their help than just to do it myself. That is fine when my main concern is getting them into the habit, but when the goal is just to get it *done* it's a little more of an issue. Still, I'll some of the ideas for motivating them!
Just got back from grocery shopping. Now to make dinner (with the help of one of the kids, actually!) and get some more housework done!
Love, Morning Glory
|
|
|
Post by morningglory on Jun 7, 2009 17:27:22 GMT -5
Drat. I was in the process of typing and stupidly refreshed and lost my post!
Anyway, what I was saying was that one reason I have trouble enlisting help from the kids on the actual desqualoring work is that I, myself, can't figure out what needs to be done with all the stuff. I *can* have them do regular daily housework like unload/reload the dishwasher or do a load of laundry. It has taken some ongoing instruction and guidance for them to learn to do those tasks, but they are catching on.
But the desqualoring is so ambiguous. I just have all these boxes and baskets and bins and piles of assorted junk that I don't know where to put or how to organize. Right now, looking across my living room, I see at least 6 laundry baskets of clothes and other items, at least six boxes and bins of random things, piles of clothes, books, newspapers, toys, shoes, furniture moved out of place, backpacks, papers, trash, hangers, and 3 boxes that need to be shifted to the basement. I can't just say, "Everybody dig in and start putting stuff away," because I can barely figure it out myself.
What I do is take one box or basket at a time, put away what I can and shift the rest to another box! My husband was actually a big help to me today in the form of moral support. Going through one of the baskets, I found an article of clothing that fell into the category that I find hard to throw away. It needed two different kinds of repairs to make it wearable, but I didn't even like it and didn't want to wear it. It cost about $20 when I bought it and have had it for about 15 years. Yet I was having such a hard time figuring out what to do with it. He said, "THROW IT AWAY!" So I tossed it! Yay!
Love, Morning Glory
|
|
keriamon
New Member
Joined: June 2009
Posts: 61
|
Post by keriamon on Jun 8, 2009 0:06:10 GMT -5
Hmm, there can come a point when "throw it all in the trash" is a valid way of cleaning house! If you don't know what's in the baskets, you won't miss it when it's gone!
Although, I see a possible organizational pattern for you, similar to what I just did in a room that I majorly overhauled. You have a lot of stuff with no organization, correct? Well, time to play thrift store sorter. They get boxes full of random stuff all the time. And they have big bins in the back room where they sort it before pricing it and putting it on the shelf in the store.
Empty all the boxes (or some of them, if you haven't got space for all of them) in the middle of a floor and then label them "clothes," "papers," "toys," "shoes," "dishes," etc. Your kids can easily sort things in the random pile into the appropriate box. Once things are sorted into like items, they're much easier to deal with. So, as an example, take up the book box, dump it out and make everyone come in and get their books and take them to their room. Any books not claimed and moved to a bedroom or communal bookcase gets put in the donation box (always have a donation box staged in a convient location, preferably near the front door so you can remember to take it to Goodwill frequently). You and/or your husband be responsible for claiming your books and putting them in your bedroom or communal bookself. Same thing with clothes; dump them out and make everyone come claim their clothing. If it's theirs, but they don't want it anymore or can't wear it, toss it in the Goodwill box. Again, unclaimed items get tossed in the give-away box (because if it wasn't important enough to come and get, it's worth living without).
Papers are probably the most terrifying of things to sort. Piles seem so big, and yet it seems to take forever to make a dent because an individual piece of paper is so thin. I have an excellent filing system myself, but I frequently become afraid of the paper and fail to file! Just this morning I started in on a sack of filing that I had picked up in our office. It didn't take me 30 minutes to get it caught up, even though I clearly hadn't done the filing (or at least not fully) in more than a year. All that avoidance for something that didn't take me any time at all to take care of; I've spent more time avoiding than actually working!
Anyways, my filing system is this: a four-drawer cabinet. Top drawer contains 12 files, each labeled for a different month. This is where I keep copies of monthly bills and anything that has a limited lifespan, like car insurance receipts. I (and no one else) needs copies of the electric bill for more than the last year, unless there's an ongoing dispute. So the basic bills--the ones that you have the most of--go into the folder corresponding to their due date. I cycle all the way through the months, and then when I come back on January, I toss out last year's bills and start putting in this year's. It's that simple to file the papers and clean them out regularly.
Then I have a second drawer full of papers which we have to keep longer and don't change as frequently (the semi-permanant drawer). For instance, a file for each tax year is in there, going back 7 years; every spring when I do the taxes, I make a file for the new papers and toss out the oldest set, so there's only ever 7 years' worth in there. You can even make a file up for this year and stick anything in it that you might need at tax time, like receipts; that way it won't be a scramble to find everything at tax time. This is also where we keep repair receipts for work done on the house or our cars, and manuals related to our 401ks, health insurance. home owner's insurance, and other policies. They get purged when no longer applicable.
The third drawer contains folders full of warranties and repair and installation manuals for everything we own. It also contains game manuals for the games we play. I felt very proud of myself the other night when I went to move the treadmill and realized I was going to need to take the rails off in order to get it through the door; and that the rails required an allen wrench larger than what's in my tool box. I remembered a "treadmill parts" box in the filing cabinet, and sure enough it was in the back of the drawer were the manuals are kept--with the correct allen wrench in it.
The last drawer contains scrapbook-type momentos that my husband and I want to keep and paperwork that we REALLY need to put into a firesafe box, like our birth certificates, marriage license, etc. Those are the papers that you NEVER get rid of.
But, anyways, all papers can be sorted into those five piles: monthly bills; taxes and information for people, house and cars; warranties and manuals; sentimental; identity. You will need to take care of organizing four of those sets of papers into a filing system (you can buy plastic crates at Wal-Mart or Staples that you can put hanging folders in if you don't have or can't afford a filing cabinet at this time), but when it comes to the pile of sentimental items, it's time for the family sort again; let each person come in and claim papers related to them--grade cards, school artwork, vacation brochures, etc. This should leave you a much smaller pile to sort through to decide what to keep and what to store.
You know, I think my mother might still have my elementary school grade cards, although Lord only knows why. When your kids are knocking on 30, they won't care a flip about their grade cards from the third grade either. Keep that in mind when you are trying to decide what to keep and what to get rid of; we're not nearly as sentimental about many things as we think we are. If you don't enjoy pulling it out once every few years and looking at it (and really enjoy looking at it), then it's probably not actually sentimental. And some things aren't pleasant at all. I'm going to toss some old elementary school yearbooks that my mother found and gave to me, because I not only don't look through them at all, but I don't look through them because I don't like looking at the pictures of people who bullied me. I'm not anywhere near being the same person that I was when I was a kid, and I'm glad of it; looking back at school is fairly hurtful. So I'm not going to keep them just because they are yearbooks. On the other hand, I had a blast in high school and can look at those fondly, so I'm keeping those. That's the sort of way you need to approach your sentimental stuff. If it doesn't bring back pleasant memories, then ditch it; you've got enough in present times to deal with that makes you sad, angry or hurt; no need to also evoke those emotions over things that are past and gone.
Just put things away one box at a time. I mean, if I told you to pick up a shirt and put it away, you'd know where it goes, right? In a closet or dresser drawer. It's when there's a pile of papers, trash, dirty dishes, yesterday's mail and a shirt that it gets harder to know how to put it all away. So sort into like items, which are easily put away: clothes go in closets, books go on shelves. Don't worry if your closets are bulging or your bookcase is triple-stacked (ours are); in time, you will move to organizing them and you will be able to clear out that which is useless and make room for that which is useful. Just worry about putting stuff away in or near its proper place at the moment.
Something I've been thinking about as I work through our squalor and have been exploring on my blog (http://clearingupandcleaningout.blogspot.com/ if you care to read about my own issues) is the idea of starting big and working down. Many people say clean off a little spot, feel good, and then go from there. But little spots don't make me feel accomplished at all. So I've taken a top-down approach, which is do stuff over a large area so you see a bigger impact. The Squalor's Survivor website mentions the Pareto Principle, which is that we get 80% of our results from 20% of our effort. So start with a simple task that makes a big difference.
Picking up trash is usually where I start on a room, because it's pretty easily spotted and picked up, and yet, when it's gone, the room looks so much better. Vacuuming, when you find the carpet, also makes a big impact for a small amount of effort. You start with things like that, then work your way down. Getting boxes out of your living room makes a big difference. Organizing the bookcase so that it's not overflowing, or so that books are by subject, is not much difference for the amount of time and effort involved. Not saying it doesn't have to be done, but it needs to go further down on the priority list. That's why you sort the boxes first, then start putting things away IN or NEAR where they're supposed to go. Big impact on the living room. Then you move on to organizing the closet, bookcase, etc. so you can get the things NEAR them properly situated ON or NEAR them.
When tackling my office (pictures on my blog under the post "Room from Hell") I started with easy stuff, like getting out the dirty clothes, dishes, food and books. The very last thing I did was file the papers and organize my paper notes into Word files and an Outlook address book.
|
|
|
Post by morningglory on Jun 8, 2009 5:59:45 GMT -5
Wow, keriamon, so many great ideas! Thanks so much! Some of the suggestions are things I already do in some form, but you have given me a lot of ways to expand and refine my methods.
Regarding your question about knowing where to put the "one shirt", the fact is that it would depend on the shirt. Sure, there are plenty of clothing items that I know for sure to whom they belong, whether we need to keep them, and where they should be stored. But with a large family, it is hard for me to be sure about everything. Some things have been outgrown, but I haven't been informed of it. Some things I'm not sure whether they are in good enough condition to keep. Some things we do want to keep, but don't have a good place to store. So those things just get shifted around like the surf across the living room and the rest of the house.
But when we are talking about non-clothing items, it gets even worse. In particular, my husband has a TON of things he stacks up next to his chair, or puts into plastic bins or cardboard boxes. MANY of these things are extremely important to him (he does a lot of technical work and there are lots of parts, connectors, tools, manuals and so forth), and he does not only want to keep them, he doesn't want them shifted to where he cannot SEE them (he can't remember where things are if they are put away somewhere). Obviously a solution must be found for this, but we are struggling against ADD (apparently) and the massive amount of small, often indistinguishable (to me) objects. At present there are several such boxes, plus a stack next to his chair in the living room. I moved about 4 boxes into the basement a few weeks ago (where there is one corner stacked up with his various items) and he is very upset because he now doesn't know what's down there or how to find them...
|
|
|
Post by morningglory on Jun 8, 2009 8:00:46 GMT -5
Update. I have put away a couple more baskets of laundry (although they have been replaced with freshly washed laundry, so the total has not diminished). Have moved some toys to the kids' rooms. Have swept and vacuumed a little. (The floor is wood, so I don't have a carpet to deal with--just need to vacuum between the cracks! After it is clear, I plan to wash it.) Have also started scrubbing the kitchen floor and dining room walls and woodwork--a little at a time!
I spoke with my husband about the issue of finding homes for his various possessions. He understands that it is a problem, but was not able to address it at the moment (getting ready for work!).
|
|
keriamon
New Member
Joined: June 2009
Posts: 61
|
Post by keriamon on Jun 8, 2009 14:20:30 GMT -5
Okay, let me toss out (ha!) some more ideas. If there's any room at all in their rooms, give each of your kids a bag or basket or box and tell them to toss anything they don't like or that doesn't fit into the box/basket/bag to be given away. If your kids are like most kids, they have so many clothes, it's not even worth trying to sort them and figure out what to pass down to the younger kids. If you're not short on clothing, send all unwearable clothing straight to Goodwill, with maybe an exception for suits or church-dresses; you know, the really nice, really expensive stuff that you don't want to have to buy a lot of. Don't forget to toss shoes that no longer fit. But your kids are all old enough to learn how to weed their clothes out themselves; delegate! (And think what good skills they are learning; they will be more organized as adults and can break the cycle.) And this is another case of where you can set everyone to cleaning out their closets at one time, and when everyone's done, load it all up to haul off and treat everyone on the way home. And when the closets are clearer, you can find room for the stuff you want to keep. You can also make arrangements for doing things like storing out of season clothing in boxes or suitcases under the beds. You can't do that if there's enough out-of-seaon clothing to put the bed up on a hill. Try and take a trip to drop stuff off every week while you are deeply clutter clearing, and then about once a month when you're in maintaining mode. I have a husband who is a computer tech, so I know your pain about parts everywhere. He also is a gun collector. One day, while he was out, I organized all of his gun stuff into one closet and I bought plastic drawer units and sorted his most common ammo by size. And then labeled the drawers! Need .22 bullets? There's a drawer full of nothing but them! If there is ever a civil insurrection, terrorist attack, or zombie war we'll be loaded up faster than anyone we know, because our ammo is sorted by size! Neighbors fresh out of shotgun shells? Pull out a drawer, there's some here! Needless to say, I have some severe organizational tendencies, if I can ever motivate to use them. I would suggest, for your husband's bits and pieces, some similar plastic drawer units. Plastic drawers are always better than plastic boxes because you can easily access your stuff without having to move boxes off one another or dig through them. They can be small, desktop units which are about 8 inches high, or you can get them that set in the floor are are more than 2 feet high. Depending on the size of his jibbly bits, get the appropriate drawer unit (you can even set a small drawer on top of the big one, which is how I have my crafts sorted--yarn in the big drawers, crochet thread in the middle drawers, and trim and little things in the small drawers). I know from sorting ammo that, even if you know very little about his jibbly bits, you can learn pretty quick how to find like items, because memory sticks are all roughly the same size and look, motherboards all look roughly the same, etc. You will be able to do a pretty good job without knowing anything, just falling back on the fact that you group similar shapes together. At the very least, toss it all randomly in drawers and leave him to organize them as he sees fit. And no worries--all these drawer units have clear drawers so you can see what's in them. You can also--gasp!--stick a label on the front of them! Oh, and something else that's wonderful: magazine holders. I prefer the hard plastic ones, but you can get cardboard ones cheaper. If money is a real issue, you can make your own from cereal boxes. But use those for his manuals and other soft-sided booklets that don't want to stand up on their own. Put the holders on a bookcase or on top of those drawer organizers. One of the things I've read on websites devoted to larger families is that making everyone pitch in is key. Have you ever seen a program on the Druggars? The people with 18 (or is it 19?) kids? They are SUPER organized. And they keep house better than I do with just two adults in it! All the kids have chores and every older kid is paired with a younger kid. The older kid helps the younger kid do chores and schoolwork (they home school all of them) and is always responsible for keeping up with that younger sibling (like a buddy system). The parents couldn't hope to do everything alone for that many people. That's why they've set their family up like a mini corporation, where the parents are the CEOs, the older kids are upper management, and the younger kids are the basic workers. Older kids oversee and help the younger kids, and then answer to mom and dad. CEOs don't run the work of the regular workers; they manage the managers, and then the managers manage the workers. You need to start thinking of yourself as a CEO: someone who delegates the small tasks to small people; you handle the big decisions and big tasks. Make your older kids your managers.
|
|
|
Post by gottaproblem on Jun 8, 2009 15:20:46 GMT -5
Sounds like you are doing a good job on getting things picked up before the in laws arrive. Good going Morningglory! You are off to a great start.
|
|
|
Post by morningglory on Jun 9, 2009 7:25:14 GMT -5
Thanks, gottaproblem. I really need the encouragement.
Keriamon, I do like the suggestion of sorting the parts and so forth. It makes excellent sense. But, of course, that is a time-consuming task that I don't expect to be able to get done before D-Day. I *could* perhaps shift the boxes of stuff with the intention/promise of sorting them into the plastic drawers after the visit is over.
I have often considered sorting the things, as you suggest, but it has been low-priority because (1) I have so much else to tackle at the same time, and (2) as has been mentioned by others, I shouldn't have to be handling this alone and would like my husband to be the one to get his own stuff organized so that I'll have time to address the rest of the mess. Nevetheless, it would probably be easier in the long run just to do it myself. Even though I'm sure he'll complain about my sorting system.
Thanks again to everyone. I need ongoing support for this. I have made visible progress in the living room, but it is still not even slightly presentable to the outside world. My husband has gone into a depression now, partly because of staring at the mess when he gets home from work, where there is also a particularly stressful situation going on. Lord, please save us from the downward spiral!
|
|
keriamon
New Member
Joined: June 2009
Posts: 61
|
Post by keriamon on Jun 9, 2009 12:50:32 GMT -5
I hear you; my husband grumbles sometimes when I "commit a neatness" because now he can't find stuff. I point out that he couldn't find it to start with; at least when I neaten it up, I know where it is. I've always been great at the memory game, so it's not often that I put something up and then don't remember where I put it. I don't know if it would work or not, but you might buy him some of those drawers and tell him to sort his stuff before his parents come, or you'll haul it all to the basement. It will be up to him what's worse--sorting it or having it disappear into the depths of the basement. I have found, a lot of times, when I get to doing some serious clearing out or cleaning up, it does motivate my husband to contribute some. But if I ever slack off, that's the excuse he's been waiting for to make a huge mess. If something's a little dirty, he has no problems dirtying it up some more. If it's clean, then he sometimes feels guilty enough about ruining it to not ruin it. Some simple things you might do to improve the living room for your husband (since he's depressed) is put on some soothing music before he comes home--Enya or something classical; that makes a place feel more relaxing. Also, if you have some, burn some sweet-smelling candles (vanilla, coconut, anything that smells like food) or incense to help make the room smell better. And run the vacuum anyplace where you can see carpet (or sweep if it's hardwood); I am always amazed at how much neater a room looks just by doing that--even if there are still piles of stuff to be dealt with. Maybe with pleasant sounds and pleasant smells, it will not look nearly so bad to him when he comes home, and he can unwind a bit. (And it will also make you feel like you're making real progress, because it will start feeling the way you want it to feel; cleaning up is all about making your space feel more comfortable.) If you believe in feng shui and chi and things like that (or are willing to try anything at this point), you could go around your house and clap your hands in the corners of every room (get as close to the corner as stuff will allow). Make sure you wash your hands after you are done. This is said to stir up the chi that stagnates in the corners. While it's typically part of a ritual cleaning ceremony for a house (which has to be physically clean first), it can be used in a pinch to try and help get the energy stirred up in the house enough that you will feel like cleaning it up. It can also help people who are stuck in a depressive rut. I'm working on our living room this week too, so I'm right here with you.
|
|
|
Post by morningglory on Jun 9, 2009 13:03:55 GMT -5
Thanks again, keriamon! Your husband seems to have a lot of the same behavior patterns as mine! You are describing him.
I really like your ideas about making the place *nicer* for him. Already today I scrubbed the worst part of the floor (which is hardwood), the path from the front door, where everyone's dirty and wet shoes and ruined the finish and left dirt and grime over the past 8+ years. While it hasn't done anything for the finish, obviously, it does look a lot nicer with less dirt. (The cloth was turning black from scrubbing, and I think I could do it over with the same result!)
I will have to find a good way to play music and maybe burn his favorite incense. (Although when he's depressed I am afraid to try anything, for fear it will rub him the wrong way. But it is worth a try, if I choose stuff I know he has liked in the past.)
To update my progress--in addition to scrubbing that section of floor, I have washed some more parts of the dining room walls, washed a couple loads of dishes, and am now working on cleaning the stove top. My husband has asked several times that the stove top be cleaned before it gets too out of hand. I hope seeing it clean and white will raise his spirits, as well.
|
|
|
Post by valor on Jun 9, 2009 15:22:19 GMT -5
Hi MorningGlory, thinking of you while you get ready for the in-law visit Perhaps if your MIL makes any comments about things that need repairing/repainting or whatever, you can very calmly and politely reply that you so appreciate her concern and desire to assist Yes, there are some people who have never really experienced living in a home where everything isn't functional and tip-top -- they just don't get it -- but I sure do. Sounds like you are making good progress, yay MorningGlory! Keriamon, good tips and ideas, very encouraging to me in my situation too.
|
|
|
Post by morningglory on Jun 9, 2009 16:13:41 GMT -5
Thanks, valor. I SO much appreciate the comfort of knowing I am not alone in my experience and that you sympathize.
I got out my husband's favorite incense and have it burning right now. He said he wished he could have Indian food for dinner, but I don't have time to do anything elaborate because I have to be somewhere tonight. So I got a couple of frozen meals, one Indian and one Chinese.
He just got home as I was typing this. He actually noticed that I had done some work in the living room! I hope he enjoys the food. He didn't mention the incense, but I'm hoping it will help him feel more relaxed, as well.
|
|